That moment when you break vulnerability's silent boundaries and end up with nothing but raw, insane, incredible, and electric emotion. I LIVE for that moment. I have searched my entire life for a partner who could not only strike that emotion in me, but give it back in return, from their own perspective. It's like an addictive chemical rush that courses through my veins and ignites passion in me. It stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away, searing the vision in to my brain. Those moments...THAT MOMENT is what makes me look at my partner and realize that every choice I made until now, mattered. God, they all mattered. And I am without a doubt, incredibly lucky to have this man holding my hand every day and influencing my children as a father figure. (Oh yes, I went there.)
There is something so powerful in a moment like that, I almost had a hard time writing about it. But I'm still gonna try. Because I believe it is imperative that we find people like him and bring them in to our world. I also believe that they have been there all along. I don't talk about M and our history very much because for a while I avoided it. Why? Well, so I didn't "piss" others off, or "upset" anyone, which isn't even in my nature. To be honest, I'm tired of avoiding it, and at this point...Que sera sera.
Last night the children and I went through my steam trunk, that is properly positioned by the front door. They were curious about the contents and all of the old pictures. The connection and history that M and I have is so important. It is raw. It was impetuous. And yet it was all as perfectly planned as it could be.
We move through our day to day lives, some of us are pliable and fluid, others rigid in their routines. Some people are constantly seeking out ways to improve the person they are, others wallow in a cesspool of self pity. It takes all in order to keep the world spinning, I am very aware of that fact.
I am usually a pretty happy person. Not much gets to me, especially the more comfortable I become with who I am, and understanding my personal boundaries and expectations. The more I work on who I am, how I am feeling and understanding why, the better things seem to get. It's not like I don't have bad days, because I do, things still happen, people still die, the kids can be naughty, bills roll in, shitty stuff comes and goes. I'm not talking about a Mary Poppins state of happiness or the fake "churchy" happiness either.
I'm talking about the ability to recognize contentment and just accepting it. A friend told me earlier in the week, that he couldn't remember the last time he was content. I am lucky to have known him when we were kids. He is an incredible man. He is handsome, smart, and he's a great dad. He has a seemingly amazing and loving girlfriend, and yet he couldn't remember when he was content.
“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”
Here is the thing, I created it. I created the feeling of being content. Just like I create the feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety or being elated and happy. How I choose to cope with them, and how I choose to communicate them, is my choice. God, I used to suck at it. I mean, SUCK.AT.IT. I had a terrible temper. I was horrible with words, often leaning on name calling in a fight and screaming matches. Maybe a bit of that went away with maturity (some of us grow out of it). But for the most part, it was a personal battle that I chose to take on. Much like addictions to a substance, we can become addicted to certain outcomes and circumstances attached to emotions. When we move past the point of being uncomfortable and start to re-map a new direction of "normal", the breakthrough comes. Just a little bit at a time, but it does. I swear it.
Then we are ready for the next peak or valley. And we get to teach the children how to process normal ebb and flow and make it through. Bob and weave, fluid, pliable. whatever you want to call it.
One of the times that I am most content, is at night. Right before I fall asleep, all I can hear is his heartbeat. The only other heartbeats that have moved me so deeply are my children's. And that is how I know that he is home for me, just as my children are. Because I am content. Because I am allowed to just be content. Even through the "bad" days. Even when there are bills, and stress, and just normal day to day shit that we have to go through, there is his heartbeat. And every single night, the last conscious thought I get to have is to be content.
Find your way through the chaos. There is always a way through the chaos, but more importantly, find a way to be okay with the chaos.
To know when you have enough is to be rich beyond measure.
I thought I would share a story that my awesome friend Michelle always sends to me as a reminder. With winter right around the corner, I battle a tiny bit of sun withdrawal, this poem always helps me remember that there is a reason for every single thing that happens. Remember to find what makes you content, and to recognize it. Because that is really, all it takes.
I WISH YOU ENOUGH.
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter's departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said:
"I love you and I wish you enough."
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left.
The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry.
I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?"
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more.
"When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory,
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them.
- Author Unknown