October 16, 2015


I get this way every year.  Every year since my Uncle Rick died.  I almost wrote passed away, and then I erased it.  Backspace, backspace, backspace.  

We sugar coat it by saying "passed away".  He died.  And then we lost Daniel.  I get cranky, and emotional, and jittery.  Then I realize there must be some kind of post traumatic stress that is associated with it.  I don't even realize it until the date creeps up on me.  Like last night, as I lay in bed with M facing me, both on our sides, and I was talking and huge, hot tears crept out of my eyes.  I found myself quickly apologizing, and then taking it back.  Because I shouldn't.  But poor M, didn't get any time with them.  He would have loved them.  Because I loved them so, and because they were amazing humans.  And I can't keep apologizing and shoving my emotions back in.  

October is on of my favorite months.  It has been since I was little, and I guess now it holds a little bit of sadness for all of us.  

I was cranky yesterday.  Edgy.  I didn't want to sit still.  But I didn't want to move.  I was dreading next weekend, for more reasons than one, but I couldn't put my finger on why I am so anxious about it.  And then again, the dates hit me in the face.  

I'm not good at processing it.  Even now.  My aunt Cathy weighs heavy on my mind.  My siblings, my mother, my grandfather, and Josh.  Uncle Rick would have loved this picture.  

I know they are all feeling the same thing too.  And others worse than I am.  

But then I remember, that at least we remember.  Those memories are seared in to the brain like a brand that lasts forever. 

For whatever the reason, I just didn't process the loss like I should have.  It lingers.  I don't just think about it in October.  There might not be a day that a handful of people don't cross my mind.  It is a invisible thread that connects us all.  Even crossing the boundaries of life and death.  

I am sharing "October" again.  

I'll be sitting at the cemetery later, I don't go often, but once a year I make my rounds.  I know that isn't where they are, but I guess I just need to do it.  


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I sat with you today. 

For as long as the sun blazing its autumn colors would allow
me too. 

The time went by too quickly. 

And the tears made a slow way down my cheeks until the makeup
burned my eyes. 

It's cold now. But today the sun allowed me

Or maybe it was you. Begging the Sun to let me stay until I
was able to breath again. 

Even the train failed to blow its usual loud call and slowed
his pace. 

As if silently as he could, recognizing I needed just a few

It wasn't until the last few colors were leaving the sky
until I realized I was saying hello and goodbye yet again to
you, and now him. 

And that this is just a passing phase we have to make it

Maybe I'm jealous. Jealous that you get the others to
yourself. Those before us. Maybe I'm angry that we have to
let go of yet another. 

And when I look down at your grave. And prepare myself
for another goodbye I realize that if you begged the sun for
enough light and enough warmth to allow me another day to sit
here before the cold sets in. 

That you must miss us too.

Live, love.  



October 15, 2015

The Wait

"I waited for you." she whispered.

The moonlight danced on her face, as he watched a hot tear roll down her right cheek.  She rushed it away with her hand.

"I got tired of waiting."  she said slowly.  Her eyes lifted up to his.

He waited to speak, as he always did.  He wasn't great with words.  The emotion she carried was incredible.

The silence was almost deafening.  They just stood and stared at each other.

Finally he spoke, soft and low.  His voice caused her to shiver.  The fall air was starting to get chilly, but it was his voice that did it to her.  He knew this for certain.

This conversation had been waiting in the darkness.  It was like a creature that crept up slowly, and with sure foot.  It was inevitable that it happen.

"What did you do while you waited?" he asked her.  She looked back at him with huge eyes.

He wanted her to answer.  He wanted her to say it.

"I guess I loved you."  her lip quivered.  She hated being vulnerable.  The tears kept piling up in the corner of her eyes.  They burned in the fall air.

He smiled.  He reached out and put both of his hands behind her neck, and he reached into her hair.  And he just stood there, watching her, with her head in his hands.

She spoke again.

"Sometimes it was terrible.  Sometimes I would look up at my life and not even recognize it.  It was almost as if I was punishing myself.  But I didn't know..." she shook her head.  "I didn't know it was you."  she looked up at him.  "How were we supposed to know?" she asked.  He moved his thumbs to her face and wiped the huge tears away, then reached down and kissed her wet cheeks.  His own eyes had started to tear.  He fought them.

When he pulled her closer, he could feel the heat from her body close to his.

He shook his head at her.

"I don't know.  We weren't supposed to, I guess.  Would you change it?" he looked down at her.

"No." she said firmly.  "I don't think we could have loved each other this way..." she paused in thought, " if we hadn't gone through what we went through..."  She looked away for a moment, remembering the first time she met him.  Her thoughts went over the years as they continually showed up in each other's lives.  "We wouldn't have made it, not like this."  Her speech was all over the place tonight.

He smiled.  They were right.  The things that happened over the years were a set up to moments just like this one.  He breathed her in through the night air.

The one thing he wanted.  The one thing he needed now, was her.  And it was unexpected, he never saw it coming.
He pulled her in closer.

"I waited for you, too." he said softly.  His voice shook under its own words.  Emotion was always so hard for him to verbalize.  She dug her hands into his shoulder blades as he held her, pulling him tight to her.

She rested her head on his chest, he was sure she was smiling.

"What did you do while you waited?" she asked, her voice was raspy and quiet.

He smiled, and then spoke.
"I loved you...I just didn't know it yet."

Live, love.


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October 4, 2015

The Quiet Times

I hear people all the time talking about how much they miss the "old days".  Days where children played outside, and we were not blasted with social media and terrible news.  But the thing is, we have control over all of that.  We do not live in a place where those things are forced upon us.

Sometimes we just need quiet.  Instead of the busy feeds and the peeks in to lives that we could really care less about.  It's all just noise.  And pointless banter.  It's a way to make us feel better about being more emotionally disconnected than ever before.  We need to be able to get in the car and drive to see someone.  We need to remember to call someone so that we can hear their voice.  How about more Skype even?  Less texts or "instant messages"?  I think about the last time I saw my Uncle Rick, it was a Skype session from South Korea.  He cried.  I cried.  And we wiped them away with strength.  I am so grateful for that face to face session, even 7,000 miles apart.  Our moments should be ours.  We should be taking pictures for ourselves, and our children.  We should be sit in a moment and be able to recognize the importance and the value it holds.  .

It's hard to disconnect, but when you do, there is a possibility that you will reconnect with not only your own life, but the lives of those around you.  It's worth a try, right?

In very small doses our electronic world is awesome.  It allows us to keep in contact with people from all over the world, but then it becomes a monster.  And instead of reaching out and physically and emotionally connecting with those you care about, you find yourself sending a "message" and then breathing a sigh of relief that you connected.  It's empty.  And it's noisy at the same time.  It's like 1500 people all talking at once.  But the thing is, you can turn it off.  

I love my life.  I love it so much that lately, I've been truly trying to spend my emotional time in it.  I have made a promise that over this next winter, I will honestly and openly devote myself to the very things that mean so much to me.  The kids, M...my family, my writing and my business...we have worked so hard to have such a beautiful life, and yet it has also been very easy.  Irony at its best I suppose.  

They are all so important to me.  We have such a beautiful gift and turning the noise down will be a blessing.

You can still find me on the author page on Facebook.  
@tiffluv78 #Instagram My love for random photography will never go away.  


“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven't the answer to a question you've been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you're alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.” 
― Norton JusterThe Phantom Tollbooth

Live, love.


.Live, love.

.Live, love.