April 20, 2015

I am by Tiffany Luv Wright

I come home late because I've been sitting in a driveway drinking coffee and smoking my occasional cigarettes until 1 am.  Spilling our guts to one another in emotional haste, knowing we don't get many moments like these.

I am a childhood friend.

I stop on my way through the basement and slip in to her room and kiss her forehead.
I manage to make it up to the second floor and peek in on the boys.  I adjust blankets.  Shut off radios.  I kiss their forehead and head back down to the main floor.

I am a mother.

I pat the dog on her head and calm her roused nerves from my late entrance.  I have to speak softly to her because she is old and nuzzle her little wet nose.  It makes her nervous when one of us is out so late.

I am her caretaker, and yet, in many ways she is mine as well.  

I wander in a sleepy haze to the bedroom and brush the sugar off of my teeth and slowly climb in to bed.

"Did you have a good time?" he whispers as he rolls over and reaches for me.

"Yes." I answer quietly.
He pulls me close.  I adjust my hair so it's not in his face.  He pulls me closer yet.  I listen to his soft breathing and kiss his hands that have me wrapped up tightly.  My love for him knows no boundaries.
I am a lover and a wife.

I want to be kissed on the lips and the forehead.
I want to be held.
I want to be calm and to be allowed the luxury of rage.

I am impatient and yet my patience knows no boundaries.

I am a chef.  I am a nurse.  I am a chauffeur.  I am a teacher.

I cry in the shower so no one sees or feels my stress.

I am a therapist.  I am an artist.  I am a student.
My day off is spent worrying about the next day of work. And the guilt I feel for wanting to do so little.  

I am happy.  I am sad.

I am exactly like you, and yet the most unique person you may ever meet.

I am the perfect contradiction.

I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a lover, a wife, a niece, and a granddaughter.  I am a step daughter and a step mom.

I am cut from the ribs of a man and blessed by the mother.

I am a woman.

Live, love


April 16, 2015

On earth, as it is in heaven

The Lord's Prayer


Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.

I don't write about religion very much.  Frankly, there were a number of years in my life when questioning my choices ultimately led me to renounce a faith that I once felt was right for me.  It wasn't.  And it was simple contradictions that led me to truly dive in to the spiritual depths of my personality and life.  What some may not understand about me, is my spiritual journey is exactly that, mine.  It is derived from my own education and my own feelings and my own interpretations.  You can preach and shove and force it on someone, but it doesn't happen for them until they are moved from something deep inside.  And it isn't always the "popular" or "modern", or even "old world" style that you might be used to. But the hardest part for people to swallow, is that some choose to make it an internal and private thing, not to be shouted from the rooftops.  And well, some of you know how well I seem to "conform". 

When we are young we tend to absorb things happening around us with a magnitude that we are often not even aware of.  It seeps in to who we are.  Our beliefs are still pliable, however, they are also still our own.  We can learn a lot by listening to our children, and we forget that, it seems more often in today's society.

I am not overly religious.  I have read the bible.  In its entirety.  I am divorced and well aware of my "sins". I was once told to read Revelations again and again until it scared me.  It never did.  I didn't feel like there were many in my life so deserving of something so awful if God was love and we were in fact, created in his image.  I have asked my questions and searched for my own answers. Which is really only a matter of ones own interpretation.  

We watched a movie that deeply moved me last night, and might have opened up my seemingly over-worked and logical heart lately.  Somewhere over the past few weeks, maybe even months I lost a little bit of feeling and put my body and mind into a state of work=results=no time for feelings=more work=to get ahead. And of course, being the emotional woman that I am, that works out well...until you find yourself in the middle of a breakdown that you can't even begin to explain to your spouse or significant other.   As sexist as my next statement is, I know some of you women know exactly what I am talking about.

You say it over and over in your head a thousand times while the above equation is happening: 

"I am not good enough today." 
"I am too fat for these clothes, so maybe I should skip breakfast or lunch"
"I need to be at the gym." 
"I don't have time to sit and have coffee with a friend." 
"I can't pray for myself because that is selfish." 
"I am not lonely, I am just busy." 
"I am too busy to love you right now." 
"You are too busy to love me right now, and I need to accept that." 
"It will get better."
"I don't have time." 
"A, B, and C need to be done by this time." 
"I need to mark things off of my list." 

It goes on and on. But we have to stop.  
And yet I try to teach my children to do the exact opposite of what I am doing. We do this dance of teaching by example and then grabbing it right back.  I suppose it's human nature at times.  Something we all tend to struggle with.  

That is a lot to absorb.  

So this movie, (Squirrel! Yes I know M, if you're reading!) It was called "Heaven Is For Real".
And for those of you who know that my spirituality is in check, just probably not where some of the more forceful Christians would like to be, the verse in the Lord's Prayer really got to me.  
It was like an "A-ha!" moment.  Which I know we have talked about a lot on the blog...but it was.  

On earth, as it is in heaven.  

In the movie, Colton talks about heaven being "like here, only better."  

What if that IS exactly what it is?  
What if our daily commitments and our daily life is truly masking what this life could be BEFORE we move on to the next?  

What if we spent the days, working and balancing that with the love we have for our own lives and families?  What if we stopped for a moment and gave thanks for something as simple as waking up to another day filled with those things and people and places we loved?  Instead of bitching and moaning about how unhappy we are!?

Moments are lost everyday because we make up excuses.  

There have been so many arguments lately, especially here close to my hometown, that just bring out hatred and disdain.  

When Todd Burpo writes down on his paper that "God is love", that really resonated with me as a mother and a child of God.  God IS love.  I know we've also spoken about that on this blog, but it's real, and it's a real emotion that we tend to put on the back burner for our own personal gain.  We push our patience past a point of being able to control it and the scales tip which supersede what we should be really focusing on.  

Don't let the scales tip.  Take just a few moments from your day and be grateful for something.  Think of something that makes your heart skip even a tiny beat.  Take in your surroundings.  Take note of how close your scales are to tipping, and make sure you balance them out.  
There is seemingly a lot of controversy surrounding the truth behind this story, however, isn't there controversy over anything that tests the boundaries of our own spirits?  When something comes along that is unbelievable and makes us actually feel something, I think that is when we make a choice to either live for something great, or settle for "normal" and empty.  

We need to pay more attention to our lives and how much time we are investing in our spiritual and emotional growth.  There isn't any denying that.  There were a few moving moments this week for me, and I suppose, I needed them to shake me back in to my own life.  I have shared a few of them with you.  

God is love
On earth, as it is in heaven.   

That's pretty powerful, and if it doesn't move you, then I'm not sure what will. 

You don't have to sit in a church pew every Sunday & Wednesday in order to feel that.  

Live, love.  


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.Live, love.

.Live, love.