December 20, 2013

Say it, Do it, Mean it...a challenging and yet simple way of life.


I've spent the last few days, maybe even weeks, so emotional I cannot even begin to explain to you how welled up this blog posting is.  I was emotional, and yet shut down at the same time.  I have been internalizing everything in order to protect those around me, with the upcoming Holidays.  And attempting to protect myself from feeling to make it through everything that has been happening around me.


I live to create.  To write, to sew, to draw, to sing, and last but not least to love.  I spend so much of my time worrying about how to love others, or create for them a moving experience, that I guess I sometimes tend to place my own ability to take love in, that it becomes overwhelming.

I sit down with my drawings, or my writing and it purges itself in to whatever form I allow it, or need it to take.

It's an addiction.  A drug.  It is my vice, and it is my release.

I scribble shit down on random pieces of papers, bills, or put it in my non-working smart phone.

I draw, only to scoff at the drawing the next day, and the lack of ability I seem to have at times.

But it's therapeutic.  It's a way to create.

It wasn't until I discovered Dr. Brene Brown that I realized why I started doing it in the first place.

It was my first steps into truly embracing who I am.  It was the tiny baby steps towards vulnerability and those first steps are hard.  Although, I think the subsequent steps are even harder.

After taking the first steps it was pretty simple, and I encompassed it into my very existence. I started to live through the moments, and I started to accept that some of my family and friends who had disowned the new "hippy Tiffany" were just going to choose to follow that path.  And I needed to stay on my path.

~When the remedy you have offered only increases the disease, then leave him who will not be 

cured, and tell your story to someone who seeks the truth. (Rumi)~





But here is also what I have found out.  It IS hard to stay on that path of vulnerability.

Later this last year, I found myself stumbling off of that path.  Maybe after losing Daniel, a little part of me stopped and asked "What the fuck are you doing?".  What happened to the tough Tiffany?  Where did she go?  The Tiffany that others had learned to lean on so that they either felt better about their own lives, or so that I could help them through whatever they needed, because I was so hard-nosed.  I was dependable.  I was empathetic.  I didn't cry.  I didn't feel.

In fact there was a moment two years ago...

I was sitting on the back deck with a very dear friend, and I couldn't cry. I couldn't pray.  I couldn't feel ANYTHING at all.  I was married.  Four children.  I had the house, the car, the dogs, clothes and furniture, we had traveled...but we were burying ourselves in debt keeping up with a lifestyle we couldn't afford, fighting like we were hell hounds, and I had literally shut every single part of my heart down. I had simply turned it off.  Why?  Because if I were vulnerable, I would feel.  I would cry. I wouldn't be reliable, and stoic, and hard.  I wouldn't be me.  Or so I thought.  Because the me I had led everyone to believe I was, was in fact, an illusion.

When I started to allow myself to become vulnerable was when I started to notice the negative people falling away from my life.  But here is the dirty little secret, that no one really talks about with a "spiritual awakening", or as Dr. Brown teases about it, a "a break down".

The people who were depending on you to continue to be stoic and un-moved, start to fall away once you show that vulnerable side.  And it could very well be your closest family and friends.  At first you can cope with it, but then you start to doubt.  They make you feel selfish for choosing to love yourself and attempt to ground who you are, and allow yourself to feel.  They judge your decisions to remove the negative imbalances that are controlling your existence.

Eventually you have a relapse.

That is what happened to me.

Until this week.

The shut down process for me is a protection mode.  It IS my armor.  But it also keeps the joy and
happiness from seeping in as well.

We have to live in gratitude, even when it is hard.  We have to feel.  We have to be empathetic.

There can't be harsh judgments and fear ruling our personal relationships.  It affects and takes away all of the good attached to these moments.  It keeps us from accepting love.  And what a shame it would be to knowingly spend our Holidays in self pity and turning away the receipt of love.

I think about the last Christmases I spent with my uncle and my cousin.  Both now have passed, I write about them frequently, and if I had only known.



But the truth is, we DO know.  We have limited time here with out loved ones. We have limited time here with ourselves.

The say it, do it, mean it mantra is exactly how we should be living, but alongside of that you will ride the waves of vulnerability.  It's a challenge.

A challenge we should choose to accept.

Empathy.  Vulnerability.  Love.  Acceptance.

Simple words of great importance.

Live, love.

Always. 

Tiffany











December 3, 2013

22 Days

It's been 22 days since I have written anything at all. Twenty-two days. It doesn't seem that long, but I suppose sometimes life takes over, and our passions take a back seat to the everyday hustle. I was thinking about the last year. So much has changed, and will continue to change, and yet there are some things that will stay the same. Sometimes you have to tear down every last single brick of the old in order to rebuild the new, otherwise the foundation just isn't strong enough to hold it all up again. There are several Holidays that are my favorite, Christmas being the least. Over the years as I have aged, I have watched us as a society literally wreck the meaning and spend more time and money in the stores, than with our family, which is what truly matters. It makes me sad.

 Thanksgiving has came and went, and without Daniel this year, I just didn't feel right. It didn't feel right. Everything has changed for my family. Every single relationship dynamic in my life has changed. Some for the better, others for the worse. But at what point do you just stop worrying about it all, and do what is right for you and your close ones? I'm not sure, but I've reached that point.







 We go through so many emotions as human beings that it is often difficult to distinguish them, because they mimic each other so closely. Especially love and hatred. The last 24 hours, the word "hate" has entered my mind so many times that I was upset with myself. Until I realized that in order to understand the love, sometimes you need to allow yourself to feel the hatred. I have sat with the hatred for a number of months, noting that it was one of the last pieces to a puzzle I have been trying to complete for some time now. I never truly understood why it wasn't going away, until the early hours of this morning. It hit me like a hurricane wind. Strong and fierce...I finally understood why allowing myself to feel the hatred was necessary, and why it was okay. Because why I've been feeling the hatred, I have also been feeling amazing amounts of love. I returned once again to the poem about the gift of "a box full of darkness". And it once again, resonated with me.

Sometimes you love and hate with such ferocity that you simply can't stop it.  And unless you recognize that emotion, it will continue to dominate your daily life.  Until you no longer give it the power, it will continue to sweep through and eventually take over.  You have to recognize it.

Somewhere along the way I found incredible and powerful relationships, and amazing acts of love and kindness, and somewhere along the way I found old and decrepit relationships, and vindictive and cruel hatred.

In the end, all that matters is that you live truthfully, with kindness and love, and allow yourself to feel human. I probably have a long road and battle with the hatred, but the great part of it is, I also have a long road ahead of me filled with love and beauty thanks to all that has transpired over the last year and a half.

I haven't been able to write much since losing my cousin.  Maybe the block is gone, maybe it isn't.  Either way, I finally put something on to paper this morning.  Recently I was asked about the witch series, I have some drafts in the works, as well as two other projects I am tossing around, just having a hard time with the Holidays and family business. Maybe after the first of the year, focus will be easier, and I will have some sneak peaks for you.

Live, love. Always.

Tiffany 

Visit me on Facebook.

All poetry, lyrics, and novel excerpts are sole property of Tiffany Luv Wright 2013-14

Hate

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I hate you. 

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I needed to. 

Days turned in to weeks as I struggled to fight the mad darkness that had buried itself deep in my heart.  

I struggled to understand how I could love and hate from the very same place, and maybe from the start.  


But I will let the love take more space.  

And I will remember your gift every time I see your face.  

The hatred may never fade. 

Saying that it will, is a facade.  

Someone once gave me a box full of darkness, this is true...

And that box full of darkness was you.  

I tried to force the hatred out, 

But it wasn't until last night when I embraced the full magnitude of those I had learned to hate, 

That I finally understood to accept the motions of fate, and understood stepping through the vast entrance of that gate. 

I wouldn't fully understand what it means to love, without hating you.  

If you had not given darkness and lies, 

I would have never had him, and the happiness, and the long awaited sighs.  

When you fully understand that I took your darkness and learned more about my own light, 

You will then be the one who can't sleep at night.  



.Live, love.

.Live, love.