November 10, 2013
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver Oddly enough, I think I touched on this very quote last year around this time. Synchronicity at it's finest, I suppose. I was sitting outside, just a little while ago, listening to a houseful of children, contemplating exactly where I am. Their laughter pierced my ears, and when I closed my eyes I could identify each individual tiny laugh to the specific child. They are so full of life, and so oblivious to the stress we go through as adults. We should allow them to lead us, more often. There is a time when you are totally vulnerable. When you've taken so much that ultimately you break. It might be something small, or something big, but you break. Everything adds up, and ALL of the walls come tumbling down at once. When you reach that moment, it's almost silent. You find yourself so lost in thoughts and so lost in pulling yourself up from rock bottom that the solace you were seeking, is the solace that keeps you there. When you reach a place of darkness, it is to appreciate the light. Sometimes in order to have a more fulfilling and loving existence, we have to tear every single fucking wall down, and rebuild each brick by hand. Everything has to go. Sometimes the darkness lasts longer than we want it to. And each and every single wall comes down. It becomes impossible to hide from what is happening. When each wall comes down a little more of your true self is exposed. Is that what makes us feel desperate? When you are at the bottom, fetal position, crying, screaming, and trying to pull yourself back up again, often times we look up for a hand. Someone, anyone to reach down to help. Some of us are so independent that I think the universe forces us to a point of exasperation. A point where we have no option but to take the hand and pull ourselves up. Sometimes it isn't who we thought it would be. And that is okay. Relationship dynamics change. Family becomes distant, friendships become stronger in bonds, love relationships are forced from a place of comfort and placed on the fore-front. What point do we allow "idealistic" tendencies or circumstances to actually blind us to what is trying to happen? At what point is "idealistic", in fact, not "idealistic" at all? At what point will you wish your life away waiting for the "idealistic" moment to arrive? I think we focus on it so much that we in fact miss the very signs in front of our face. Miracles and prayers aren't always answered at what WE consider an idealistic time. The higher power sits patiently waiting, waiting for the moment when the prayer needs to be answered the most. Sometimes necessity brings us past the point of idealism and opens up some of the most amazing and incredible experiences of our lifetimes. Things we had waited for, our "prayers answered", or finding that certain someone, repairing a relationship no matter the context, sometimes they are presented to us not when we asked for them, but when we realize that in fact there may never be a more "idealistic" time to more forward, than the most un-idealistic time. It's what life is made of. It's the unplanned, spontaneous, and moments full of feeling that we remember the most sometimes. It could be so minor, but yet it sparked something so powerful, it is seared into our memory like a branding on a bull. We are creatures of comfort and creatures of habit. But it's when you stop, and you close your eyes and listen and see what is a gift that you start understanding that an unanswered prayer may have simply been a matter of timing. When you reach past the uncomfortable point, you start realizing just how much the simple things matter. Feeling loved, being safe, laughter, the bonds we form...the basics...a roof over your head, food on the table. It really does come down to a simple form of happiness. I don't really know what has happened for you, it might be an addiction or a job loss, the death of a love one, but whatever reason you are sitting at rock bottom, look up. Try and see past the darkness for that tiny sliver of light. It might be so faint that you are missing it. What a shame it would be if you dismissed the hand that wants to hold yours through the darkness, only to realize that it is only a matter of timing. What a shame it would be to let someone go because it isn't the "ideal" time. Most of all, the hand that is reaching for you might not be who you expected it to be, but they might in fact be an unanswered prayer. It might be a prayer you asked to be answered years, months, or days ago, but it is there. The biggest lesson in realizing that no amount of darkness lasts forever, is that the person reaching for you...the one waiting for you to take their hand and allow them to hold you through something that seems impossible... You in fact, are their light. Live, Love, Always.