Tiffany Luv Dollarhide
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I sat with you today.
For as long as the sun blazing its autumn colors would allow
The time went by too quickly.
And the tears made a slow way down my cheeks until the makeup
burned my eyes.
It's cold now. But today the sun allowed me
Or maybe it was you. Begging the Sun to let me stay until I
was able to breath again.
Even the train failed to blow its usual loud call and slowed
As if silently as he could, recognizing I needed just a few
It wasn't until the last few colors were leaving the sky
until I realized I was saying hello and goodbye yet again to
you, and now him.
And that this is just a passing phase we have to make it
Maybe I'm jealous. Jealous that you get the others to
yourself. Those before us. Maybe I'm angry that we have to
let go of yet another.
And when I look down at your grave. And prepare myself
for another goodbye I realize that if you begged the sun for
enough light and enough warmth to allow me another day to sit
here before the cold sets in.
That you must miss us too.
RIP Daniel. Give Uncle Rick, Mema, Dan, Emily, Aunt Jackie and the others, a big hug and kiss from us!
October 28, 2013
Serendipity means a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; a fortunate mistake. Specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.
Whether you've stumbled on to this blog by accident, or you are one of the many who follow, there are changes coming very soon. For a while it was moved to "private" status as I debated on whether or not I wanted to continue to write.
Why? I just wasn't sure I could keep up with it anymore, and maybe, a little part of me had stopped believing. I lost a little bit of my faith. I lost a little bit of my hope. Even though I might wake up at 3 am to write out words to decipher in the morning. Or stop in the grocery store or airports to furiously type out a thought into my phone. God bless the person who ends up with this sim card. I had lost faith in myself and in the words.
Then last night, I came across a post on Facebook.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou
― Maya Angelou
And another about keeping the unspoken words all locked up. I'll save you from reading a ton of quotes, although I tend to live on them.
I write. And people read it. They may not understand it, and they may not even like it, but someone, somewhere reads it and thinks to their self, I get it. I get what she is saying. And they are going through the exact same things that I've either been through or are going through. They feel HUMAN.
I lost my cousin last week. And something about that pain, almost shut me down. Toss in a stressful weekend, a nasty divorce, and you have a very tired, and emotional writer who lost a little bit of faith.
I got my ass kicked by a good friend last night who reminded me why I was writing in the first place. And of who I had become, and who I had been all along.
We go through moments of self doubt, and it can take one very human and painful blow to make us second guess whether or not we are on the right path. Sometimes it is death, other times un-reciprocated love, a messy family situation, losing a job, divorce and the parting of loyalty felt...you name it. You're just going along the path and then all of a sudden you're lying on the ground in tears wondering what the hell just happened.
We all have these moments. It doesn't matter who you are.
What matters is that you listen to your internal compass and continue to do what you believe is right for you and your family.
I think back over the weekend after processing my cousin's death and it seems like an out of body experience. We have a funeral planned, the visitation, the small snippets of memories and photos we've all sent to my other cousin. But did it actually happen? Because it feels like a bad dream. The weekend moved slowly, and part of that is the exhaustion of not sleeping due to the emotions and the adrenaline you run on after such an event.
I spent the weekend with family and friends, and my guy, just processing. And bless their hearts for putting up with my zombie and emotional self. Because I was a disaster. Mumbling out I love you's and pouring my emotions out with the shock coursing through my veins. It literally shocks you out of a state of confusion. You stop and look at all of the moments you lost. Those moments when you should have said something, should have put your arms around someone, or should have told them exactly how you felt...those moments come rushing in to your brain at a 100 miles an hour and you realize that you might not have enough time to fix it. Whatever it may be...or you realize that you have to tell someone how you feel because in the end, that is what matters. Whether or not you hugged, loved, spoke, and felt enough. Not how much money you've made. Not the size of your house or expensive cars or technology.
People are not replaceable. You don't get a moment back after it is lost.
Think about what you are saying to others. And how you behave. Don't just stand there "thinking" about that hug, or those words. Sometimes THEY DON'T KNOW. I'll say that again, so that you understand it fully. THEY DON'T KNOW. And if they don't know, what a shame to have them removed from your life without EVER KNOWING how you felt about them.
It's important. It is vital. It is what we are here for. say it. do it. no regrets. push past the uncomfortable and allow yourself to be vulnerable. You might just find yourself standing there with a full heart and too many hands to hold.
Call it mush. Call those of us who attempt to change those dark parts into light for the better, overly-emotional, but I work everyday to try and make an effort with those I interact with. I try and not let anger get the best of me. And I realize we will all have very human moments, but stop, think, and do. Don't wait. Don't judge. Don't hate. Don't be afraid and allow your insecurity and pride to stand in the way of living your life to the fullest. Life is hard, love is not.
RIP Daniel. We will never be the same without you.