December 20, 2013

Say it, Do it, Mean it...a challenging and yet simple way of life.


I've spent the last few days, maybe even weeks, so emotional I cannot even begin to explain to you how welled up this blog posting is.  I was emotional, and yet shut down at the same time.  I have been internalizing everything in order to protect those around me, with the upcoming Holidays.  And attempting to protect myself from feeling to make it through everything that has been happening around me.


I live to create.  To write, to sew, to draw, to sing, and last but not least to love.  I spend so much of my time worrying about how to love others, or create for them a moving experience, that I guess I sometimes tend to place my own ability to take love in, that it becomes overwhelming.

I sit down with my drawings, or my writing and it purges itself in to whatever form I allow it, or need it to take.

It's an addiction.  A drug.  It is my vice, and it is my release.

I scribble shit down on random pieces of papers, bills, or put it in my non-working smart phone.

I draw, only to scoff at the drawing the next day, and the lack of ability I seem to have at times.

But it's therapeutic.  It's a way to create.

It wasn't until I discovered Dr. Brene Brown that I realized why I started doing it in the first place.

It was my first steps into truly embracing who I am.  It was the tiny baby steps towards vulnerability and those first steps are hard.  Although, I think the subsequent steps are even harder.

After taking the first steps it was pretty simple, and I encompassed it into my very existence. I started to live through the moments, and I started to accept that some of my family and friends who had disowned the new "hippy Tiffany" were just going to choose to follow that path.  And I needed to stay on my path.

~When the remedy you have offered only increases the disease, then leave him who will not be 

cured, and tell your story to someone who seeks the truth. (Rumi)~





But here is also what I have found out.  It IS hard to stay on that path of vulnerability.

Later this last year, I found myself stumbling off of that path.  Maybe after losing Daniel, a little part of me stopped and asked "What the fuck are you doing?".  What happened to the tough Tiffany?  Where did she go?  The Tiffany that others had learned to lean on so that they either felt better about their own lives, or so that I could help them through whatever they needed, because I was so hard-nosed.  I was dependable.  I was empathetic.  I didn't cry.  I didn't feel.

In fact there was a moment two years ago...

I was sitting on the back deck with a very dear friend, and I couldn't cry. I couldn't pray.  I couldn't feel ANYTHING at all.  I was married.  Four children.  I had the house, the car, the dogs, clothes and furniture, we had traveled...but we were burying ourselves in debt keeping up with a lifestyle we couldn't afford, fighting like we were hell hounds, and I had literally shut every single part of my heart down. I had simply turned it off.  Why?  Because if I were vulnerable, I would feel.  I would cry. I wouldn't be reliable, and stoic, and hard.  I wouldn't be me.  Or so I thought.  Because the me I had led everyone to believe I was, was in fact, an illusion.

When I started to allow myself to become vulnerable was when I started to notice the negative people falling away from my life.  But here is the dirty little secret, that no one really talks about with a "spiritual awakening", or as Dr. Brown teases about it, a "a break down".

The people who were depending on you to continue to be stoic and un-moved, start to fall away once you show that vulnerable side.  And it could very well be your closest family and friends.  At first you can cope with it, but then you start to doubt.  They make you feel selfish for choosing to love yourself and attempt to ground who you are, and allow yourself to feel.  They judge your decisions to remove the negative imbalances that are controlling your existence.

Eventually you have a relapse.

That is what happened to me.

Until this week.

The shut down process for me is a protection mode.  It IS my armor.  But it also keeps the joy and
happiness from seeping in as well.

We have to live in gratitude, even when it is hard.  We have to feel.  We have to be empathetic.

There can't be harsh judgments and fear ruling our personal relationships.  It affects and takes away all of the good attached to these moments.  It keeps us from accepting love.  And what a shame it would be to knowingly spend our Holidays in self pity and turning away the receipt of love.

I think about the last Christmases I spent with my uncle and my cousin.  Both now have passed, I write about them frequently, and if I had only known.



But the truth is, we DO know.  We have limited time here with out loved ones. We have limited time here with ourselves.

The say it, do it, mean it mantra is exactly how we should be living, but alongside of that you will ride the waves of vulnerability.  It's a challenge.

A challenge we should choose to accept.

Empathy.  Vulnerability.  Love.  Acceptance.

Simple words of great importance.

Live, love.

Always. 

Tiffany











December 3, 2013

22 Days

It's been 22 days since I have written anything at all. Twenty-two days. It doesn't seem that long, but I suppose sometimes life takes over, and our passions take a back seat to the everyday hustle. I was thinking about the last year. So much has changed, and will continue to change, and yet there are some things that will stay the same. Sometimes you have to tear down every last single brick of the old in order to rebuild the new, otherwise the foundation just isn't strong enough to hold it all up again. There are several Holidays that are my favorite, Christmas being the least. Over the years as I have aged, I have watched us as a society literally wreck the meaning and spend more time and money in the stores, than with our family, which is what truly matters. It makes me sad.

 Thanksgiving has came and went, and without Daniel this year, I just didn't feel right. It didn't feel right. Everything has changed for my family. Every single relationship dynamic in my life has changed. Some for the better, others for the worse. But at what point do you just stop worrying about it all, and do what is right for you and your close ones? I'm not sure, but I've reached that point.







 We go through so many emotions as human beings that it is often difficult to distinguish them, because they mimic each other so closely. Especially love and hatred. The last 24 hours, the word "hate" has entered my mind so many times that I was upset with myself. Until I realized that in order to understand the love, sometimes you need to allow yourself to feel the hatred. I have sat with the hatred for a number of months, noting that it was one of the last pieces to a puzzle I have been trying to complete for some time now. I never truly understood why it wasn't going away, until the early hours of this morning. It hit me like a hurricane wind. Strong and fierce...I finally understood why allowing myself to feel the hatred was necessary, and why it was okay. Because why I've been feeling the hatred, I have also been feeling amazing amounts of love. I returned once again to the poem about the gift of "a box full of darkness". And it once again, resonated with me.

Sometimes you love and hate with such ferocity that you simply can't stop it.  And unless you recognize that emotion, it will continue to dominate your daily life.  Until you no longer give it the power, it will continue to sweep through and eventually take over.  You have to recognize it.

Somewhere along the way I found incredible and powerful relationships, and amazing acts of love and kindness, and somewhere along the way I found old and decrepit relationships, and vindictive and cruel hatred.

In the end, all that matters is that you live truthfully, with kindness and love, and allow yourself to feel human. I probably have a long road and battle with the hatred, but the great part of it is, I also have a long road ahead of me filled with love and beauty thanks to all that has transpired over the last year and a half.

I haven't been able to write much since losing my cousin.  Maybe the block is gone, maybe it isn't.  Either way, I finally put something on to paper this morning.  Recently I was asked about the witch series, I have some drafts in the works, as well as two other projects I am tossing around, just having a hard time with the Holidays and family business. Maybe after the first of the year, focus will be easier, and I will have some sneak peaks for you.

Live, love. Always.

Tiffany 

Visit me on Facebook.

All poetry, lyrics, and novel excerpts are sole property of Tiffany Luv Wright 2013-14

Hate

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I hate you. 

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I needed to. 

Days turned in to weeks as I struggled to fight the mad darkness that had buried itself deep in my heart.  

I struggled to understand how I could love and hate from the very same place, and maybe from the start.  


But I will let the love take more space.  

And I will remember your gift every time I see your face.  

The hatred may never fade. 

Saying that it will, is a facade.  

Someone once gave me a box full of darkness, this is true...

And that box full of darkness was you.  

I tried to force the hatred out, 

But it wasn't until last night when I embraced the full magnitude of those I had learned to hate, 

That I finally understood to accept the motions of fate, and understood stepping through the vast entrance of that gate. 

I wouldn't fully understand what it means to love, without hating you.  

If you had not given darkness and lies, 

I would have never had him, and the happiness, and the long awaited sighs.  

When you fully understand that I took your darkness and learned more about my own light, 

You will then be the one who can't sleep at night.  



November 10, 2013

Ideal

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver Oddly enough, I think I touched on this very quote last year around this time. Synchronicity at it's finest, I suppose. I was sitting outside, just a little while ago, listening to a houseful of children, contemplating exactly where I am. Their laughter pierced my ears, and when I closed my eyes I could identify each individual tiny laugh to the specific child. They are so full of life, and so oblivious to the stress we go through as adults. We should allow them to lead us, more often. There is a time when you are totally vulnerable. When you've taken so much that ultimately you break. It might be something small, or something big, but you break. Everything adds up, and ALL of the walls come tumbling down at once. When you reach that moment, it's almost silent. You find yourself so lost in thoughts and so lost in pulling yourself up from rock bottom that the solace you were seeking, is the solace that keeps you there. When you reach a place of darkness, it is to appreciate the light. Sometimes in order to have a more fulfilling and loving existence, we have to tear every single fucking wall down, and rebuild each brick by hand. Everything has to go. Sometimes the darkness lasts longer than we want it to. And each and every single wall comes down. It becomes impossible to hide from what is happening. When each wall comes down a little more of your true self is exposed. Is that what makes us feel desperate? When you are at the bottom, fetal position, crying, screaming, and trying to pull yourself back up again, often times we look up for a hand. Someone, anyone to reach down to help. Some of us are so independent that I think the universe forces us to a point of exasperation. A point where we have no option but to take the hand and pull ourselves up. Sometimes it isn't who we thought it would be. And that is okay. Relationship dynamics change. Family becomes distant, friendships become stronger in bonds, love relationships are forced from a place of comfort and placed on the fore-front. What point do we allow "idealistic" tendencies or circumstances to actually blind us to what is trying to happen? At what point is "idealistic", in fact, not "idealistic" at all? At what point will you wish your life away waiting for the "idealistic" moment to arrive? I think we focus on it so much that we in fact miss the very signs in front of our face. Miracles and prayers aren't always answered at what WE consider an idealistic time. The higher power sits patiently waiting, waiting for the moment when the prayer needs to be answered the most. Sometimes necessity brings us past the point of idealism and opens up some of the most amazing and incredible experiences of our lifetimes. Things we had waited for, our "prayers answered", or finding that certain someone, repairing a relationship no matter the context, sometimes they are presented to us not when we asked for them, but when we realize that in fact there may never be a more "idealistic" time to more forward, than the most un-idealistic time. It's what life is made of. It's the unplanned, spontaneous, and moments full of feeling that we remember the most sometimes. It could be so minor, but yet it sparked something so powerful, it is seared into our memory like a branding on a bull. We are creatures of comfort and creatures of habit. But it's when you stop, and you close your eyes and listen and see what is a gift that you start understanding that an unanswered prayer may have simply been a matter of timing. When you reach past the uncomfortable point, you start realizing just how much the simple things matter. Feeling loved, being safe, laughter, the bonds we form...the basics...a roof over your head, food on the table. It really does come down to a simple form of happiness. I don't really know what has happened for you, it might be an addiction or a job loss, the death of a love one, but whatever reason you are sitting at rock bottom, look up. Try and see past the darkness for that tiny sliver of light. It might be so faint that you are missing it. What a shame it would be if you dismissed the hand that wants to hold yours through the darkness, only to realize that it is only a matter of timing. What a shame it would be to let someone go because it isn't the "ideal" time. Most of all, the hand that is reaching for you might not be who you expected it to be, but they might in fact be an unanswered prayer. It might be a prayer you asked to be answered years, months, or days ago, but it is there. The biggest lesson in realizing that no amount of darkness lasts forever, is that the person reaching for you...the one waiting for you to take their hand and allow them to hold you through something that seems impossible... You in fact, are their light. Live, Love, Always.

October 29, 2013

October 
Tiffany Luv Dollarhide 
Please do not share or copy without prior permission.  

I sat with you today. 


For as long as the sun blazing its autumn colors would allow
me too. 


The time went by too quickly. 


And the tears made a slow way down my cheeks until the makeup
burned my eyes. 


It's cold now. But today the sun allowed me
warmth. 


Or maybe it was you. Begging the Sun to let me stay until I
was able to breath again. 


Even the train failed to blow its usual loud call and slowed
his pace. 


As if silently as he could, recognizing I needed just a few
moments. 


It wasn't until the last few colors were leaving the sky
until I realized I was saying hello and goodbye yet again to
you, and now him. 


And that this is just a passing phase we have to make it
through. 


Maybe I'm jealous. Jealous that you get the others to
yourself. Those before us. Maybe I'm angry that we have to
let go of yet another. 


And when I look down at your grave. And prepare myself
for another goodbye I realize that if you begged the sun for
enough light and enough warmth to allow me another day to sit
here before the cold sets in. 


That you must miss us too.















RIP Daniel.  Give Uncle Rick, Mema, Dan, Emily, Aunt Jackie and the others, a big hug and kiss from us!  

October 28, 2013

The Serendipity Movement

  • Serendipity
  • Serendipity means a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; a fortunate mistake. Specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it. 

    Whether you've stumbled on to this blog by accident, or you are one of the many who follow, there are changes coming very soon.  For a while it was moved to "private" status as I debated on whether or not I wanted to continue to write. 

    Why? I just wasn't sure I could keep up with it anymore, and maybe, a little part of me had stopped believing. I lost a little bit of my faith.  I lost a little bit of my hope.  Even though I might wake up at 3 am to write out words to decipher in the morning.  Or stop in the grocery store or airports to furiously type out a thought into my phone. God bless the person who ends up with this sim card.  I had lost faith in myself and in the words.  

    Then last night, I came across a post on Facebook.  

    “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
    ― Maya Angelou

    And another about keeping the unspoken words all locked up.  I'll save you from reading a ton of quotes, although I tend to live on them.  

    I write.  And people read it.  They may not understand it, and they may not even like it, but someone, somewhere reads it and thinks to their self, I get it.  I get what she is saying.  And they are going through the exact same things that I've either been through or are going through.  They feel HUMAN.  

    I lost my cousin last week. And something about that pain, almost shut me down.  Toss in a stressful weekend, a nasty divorce, and you have a very tired, and emotional writer who lost a little bit of faith.  

    I got my ass kicked by a good friend last night who reminded me why I was writing in the first place.  And of who I had become, and who I had been all along.  

    We go through moments of self doubt, and it can take one very human and painful blow to make us second guess whether or not we are on the right path.  Sometimes it is death, other times un-reciprocated love, a messy family situation, losing a job, divorce and the parting of loyalty felt...you name it.  You're just going along the path and then all of a sudden you're lying on the ground in tears wondering what the hell just happened.  

    We all have these moments.  It doesn't matter who you are.  

    What matters is that you listen to your internal compass and continue to do what you believe is right for you and your family.  

    I think back over the weekend after processing my cousin's death and it seems like an out of body experience. We have a funeral planned, the visitation, the small snippets of memories and photos we've all sent to my other cousin.  But did it actually happen?  Because it feels like a bad dream.  The weekend moved slowly, and part of that is the exhaustion of not sleeping due to the emotions and the adrenaline you run on after such an event.  

    I spent the weekend with family and friends, and my guy, just processing.  And bless their hearts for putting up with my zombie and emotional self.  Because I was a disaster.  Mumbling out I love you's and pouring my emotions out with the shock coursing through my veins.  It literally shocks you out of a state of confusion.  You stop and look at all of the moments you lost.  Those moments when you should have said something, should have put your arms around someone, or should have told them exactly how you felt...those moments come rushing in to your brain at a 100 miles an hour and you realize that you might not have enough time to fix it. Whatever it may be...or you realize that you have to tell someone how you feel because in the end, that is what matters.  Whether or not you hugged, loved, spoke, and felt enough.  Not how much money you've made.  Not the size of your house or expensive cars or technology.  

    People are not replaceable.  You don't get a moment back after it is lost.  






    Think about what you are saying to others.  And how you behave.  Don't just stand there "thinking" about that hug, or those words.  Sometimes THEY DON'T KNOW.  I'll say that again, so that you understand it fully.  THEY DON'T KNOW.  And if they don't know, what a shame to have them removed from your life without EVER KNOWING how you felt about them.  

    It's important.  It is vital.  It is what we are here for.  say it.  do it.  no regrets.  push past the uncomfortable and allow yourself to be vulnerable.  You might just find yourself standing there with a full heart and too many hands to hold.  

    Call it mush.  Call those of us who attempt to change those dark parts into light for the better, overly-emotional, but I work everyday to try and make an effort with those I interact with.  I try and not let anger get the best of me. And I realize we will all have very human moments, but stop, think, and do.  Don't wait.  Don't judge.  Don't hate.  Don't be afraid and allow your insecurity and pride to stand in the way of living your life to the fullest.  Life is hard, love is not.  






    Live, love

    RIP Daniel.  We will never be the same without you.   

    Tiffany 




  • August 22, 2013

    Honesty

    It's another one of those days when I wasn't too sure what I wanted to blabber on and on about.

         I've had so many conversations the last few weeks with several different people in regards to honesty and love and trust that it dawned on me that was exactly what message we wanted to send this week.

    Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships. ~ unknown author

    What a shame it would be to live with dishonest feelings, or visions, or thoughts.  

         I struggled for many, many years with my feelings.  Whether or not they were okay, whether or not it would be acceptable for the truth to reveal itself.  

    I lied to myself about what I wanted, what was normal, and most importantly...what I needed.  What I needed was to be okay with who I was.  What I needed was balance.  And a lesson in appreciation and gratitude for difference and diversity.  

    I cry at the stupidest movies and books.  I feel something when I come across every new person I meet.  I am constantly feeling something.  My heart is always trying to catch up to my mind, and vice versa.  But the point is, I'm trying.  Little by little in the last year I've opened up to who I am and I know that it is okay.  I don't shut people out anymore.  I don't have to protect my heart.  I'm okay with a free spirit, and a hippy heart.  I am okay with a ridiculous love for art and all that encompasses the lifestyle of being a free spirit, and a little bit wild at heart.  The women in my life, will definitely agree with the wild at heart.  It's who I've always been, and who I will always be.  They are just as free spirited and wild at heart.  Some a little more logical than the rest, but we balance each other out. I don't speak about romance in my personal life very often, but the person in my life now is my balance. He is logical, a planner, but affectionate and passionate.  He allows me to fumble through and doesn't try to step in to "save me".  Although, I'm sure he would like to shake me every time I lose my glasses or car keys because I'm so lost in my thoughts sometimes.  Opposites attract, but when you learn to meet in the middle?  That is where something happens in a relationship.  It's when you are aware of who someone is, and how you can adjust accordingly to balance one another out.  Not change them, but exist with them.  You learn to appreciate your differences and that fuels the entire relationship.  How awful and boring would it be to live with someone EXACTLY like you?  


         We need the balance that being honest with ourselves provides.  When we start to accept who we are, we move forward in our relationships.  

    Recently a friend said something about "re-training" her new man. I thought about it for two days.  I don't want to "re-train" anyone.  I want to fall in love with someone, or be their friend for who they are.  There is a point in life where the re-training will fail because deep down you cannot train the "core" of who a human being is.  The core only shifts, or maybe adjusts to new concepts?  I need the different personalities and views in order to catch what I might miss.  We need to have an open heart along with an open mind.  

         I don't want to be what is considered "normal".  Completely shut down to what is going on around me, bitching constantly about things I cannot change, while being lazy with the things I can change. Consistently worried about appearance and what others might be thinking.  Always planning out every single move I need to make.  I don't want to struggle with the opinions of others who truly have no bearings on my immediate life and choices.  

    The moment I started to let go of what annoyed me with others, is the moment I started appreciating the differences.  And that was when I recognized how the truth that my insecurity with my own weaknesses was what was keeping me from having truly gratifying relationships.  

    Now that being said, for you pessimist reading, yes...I am fully aware that there will be some people you simply cannot and will not be able to co-exist with peacefully.  Those are the ones to let go.  


    Truth is what we are taught as a child.  I'm talking about the kind of truth that once you've found it, it transforms everything you touch.  It often starts with the admittance to yourself.  Once you have admitted deep down that something isn't working, or the truth that sets in when you realize that who you are is exactly who you are supposed to be, or maybe you are not living the way you want or need to be living...  And hiding that person will only lead to more and more hatred and anger building in your heart.  Maybe truth is admitting an addiction, or a secret you've held on to.  Maybe truth is accepting the fact that you are a dreamer and an artist who thrives on the imagination.  Who knows? But honesty and truth is the catalyst for happiness and balance in your life.  

    Truth breeds happiness.  It feeds the soul from the inside out, and when that happens it spreads like wildfire to those paying attention.  




         Truth holds the hand of courage, and once you make a decision, and it is finally your decision and yours only, you just "get it".  No longer are you a prisoner of someone else's unhealthy version of how you are supposed to be living your life.  Closed off from emotion, or afraid of love and the way it makes you feel.  And I'm talking about all aspects of love.  

    The shortest and surest way to live with honor in the world is to be in reality what we would appear to be. ~  Socrates 

    I can't think of one person in my life right now, that I would change a thing about them.  I need them. I need them to help me see my faults and I need them to love me for my strengths.  I need the honesty that comes from my Taurean friends, and the logic I get from the Virgos, I need the fuel from the sun-fired Leos and the passion that I see in my Pisces.  I need the black & white in order to appreciate the color.  We need the storms in order to appreciate the sunshine and rainbows.  There are so many things that had I judged and I allowed annoyance and self absorption set in.  I would have missed out on some of the greatest people in my life. So many incredible people that I otherwise would have discounted because I only allowed those exactly like me inside my world and my heart.

    Now, here I sit, not willing to give any of those people up.

    #listening #lifehouse #youandme #fav Follow me on Twitter, although I've seemingly taken a "Twittercide" the last few weeks, I promise to catch up soon!  Miss some of my regulars!  Instagram and Pinterest as well.  I'll be looking for some incredible Halloween party ideas there!  #follow #tiffluv78 @tiffluv78

    If you come across anything fun for Halloween, scary and adult, send it to me here!  I'll be sure to post credit to you or your website.



     Live, love.


    Tiffany 




    August 20, 2013

    Missing Pieces

    Staring hard you search for the missing piece, 
    Frustrated and angry, you think you've finally found it!

    You place the piece in gently, and at first it seems like it is going to fit, 
    But it doesn't, so you shove it in anyways.  

    After time passes, 
    It bulges and pushes its way out of the hole in which it were placed. 

    Piece after piece you try, 
    A corner is wrong, the side doesn't fit properly, one is too sharp, the other too dull. 

    The resentment sets in. 
    The puzzle gets placed in a dark closet. 

    You hate the puzzle because it is unfinished,
    If you hide it, then it won't be staring you in the face begging for completion. 

    Left on an open board, locked away in darkness.  
    Years might pass by. 

    It is time to start cleaning out closets, 
    And clearing drawers of their junk and leftover items.  

    For some reason you open a drawer that had been closed for too long, 
    There is a puzzle piece lying in the very back. 

    Waiting to be discovered, 
    Waiting to be placed into its proper place. 

    You take the piece out and look at it closely,
    Thinking of the dusty puzzle sitting in the closet, so sad and lonely.  

    When you take out the entire work and place it on the table,
    It is out in the open for everyone to see again. 

    The missing piece is still staring you in the face, 
    Begging for you to complete what you started so long ago. 

    You move slowly with deliberate and patient moves,
    Afraid you've found another wrong piece. 

    If it is too jagged it will slice you open,
    If it is too small or too big, it isn't going to work. 

    Surely you didn't slip this piece away out of forgetfulness, 
    You slowly place the piece in the hole that has been waiting, 

    You think about opening that drawer,
    Are there other pieces shoved in the back of other drawers waiting for you to open them? 

    Other puzzles waiting for you to complete? 
    Other pieces waiting to be placed where they finally belong? 

    You hold your breath,
    Maybe you can finally see the hard work finished. 

    The piece slides in perfectly.  
    There is no shoving, no turning, no maneuvering.  

    And your heart rests finally, 
    In the arms where it was meant to be all along.  

    Tiffany Luv Wright 2013 
    Poetry is the sole ownership of Tiffany Luv Wright Copyright 2013

    August 19, 2013

    Safety Net

    There is no fear of falling with you.
    The safety net I thought I needed before,  
     is slowly disappearing,

    I catch myself looking down,
    And at mid glance, I smile,
    Because I know,
    It is no longer needed.

    Tiffany Luv Wright 2013 

    All poetry, lyrics, and novel excerpts and chapters are the sole ownership of Tiffany Luv Wright please do not copy and paste, please feel free to direct link to my blog or my fan page.  

    Visit me on Facebook here!

    “Let everything happen to you
    Beauty and terror
    Just keep going
    No feeling is final”
    ― Rainer Maria Rilke


    Somewhere along my way, I've lost my safety net.  Maybe when I started looking at my present day, as opposed to the future or the past.  When I stopped comparing every single situation to those I had already gone through, the safety net has faded farther and farther away.  Surrender?  Maybe.  Out of the "arrested development"?  Perhaps.










    I don't know when it happened.  

    Maybe it was the new people in my life, yet they really aren't new.  Maybe it was letting go of those who no longer serve a purpose in my life. Maybe it was simply the fact that I took control and no longer allowed that fear to rule my life.  I no longer feel like a feral cat who needs to back herself into a corner and protect my heart from being broken, or from feeling anything at all but anger and resentment, and most of all sadness.

    Divorce is an oddity.  It makes you sink, or you swim.  There is an amount of treading water that seems to happen as well.  You either sink to your death, or you eventually, safely make your way back to the shoreline. Bruised and battered, but you make it.  You find yourself.  When it is bad, you find a part of yourself that you had either changed or let slip away.  If you decide to swim.  Or tread water until the storm passes.  You see the worst in yourself, and others involved, and you either change it, or you stay that way forever.

    If you don't take anything away from the initial separation, and spend your entire time blaming the other party, then you miss the entire reason the relationship failed in the first place.  I don't speak of it often, but now as we seem to be finally coming to an end of this road, I look back over my posts over the last year and I see where I've admitted my faults, where I have learned so many valuable lessons about myself and others involved.  I've learned how to swim.  I've learned what works for me, and for my children.  I've learned where I failed and where I did okay.  I've maneuvered my way through the initial drama and taught myself how to change bad habits that I was carrying with me all of these years.  They were bad "emotional" habits.  Comfort zones that kept me guarded, hateful, and protected.  And now I know what I want.  I know how I want to live my life.  All of that time I was protecting myself from my heart.  Out of fear.  I didn't love myself enough to see that I am worth loving.  It was a hard habit to break.

    I understand that there are so many more lessons for me to learn.  And isn't that the point?  To make yourself better?  To feel better? To have a heart that is a little less burdened?  To understand human nature and simply accept some things, and change the things we are capable of changing?

    I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that when you close one door, another opens. I believe that when you decide to stop allowing negativity to rule your life, even when it is hard, that the positive will keep you afloat.  Even in the hardest of times.  I believe in faith, hope, and fate.  We talk about the invisible threads all the time here, but I see the connections.   Alyson always reminds me of the Reason, Season, Lifetime poem, which I've shared here so many times.  But it is true.  When you start to recognize where you want to be, but more importantly where you ARE, you see things you have missed before.  Anne Frank wrote about it.  She kept her thoughts clear and precise, even when it was hard she didn't give up.  She kept hope.  She lived on faith.  She loved in the darkest of times.

     “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” Diary of Anne Frank 

    It is one of my all time favorite books.

         I forgot years ago.  I forgot how to live from my heart.  I stopped believing.  I started seeing all of the ugly and the hateful, and I almost let it take over everything in my life.  I saw a world that was engulfed in hatred and awful people.  But it wasn't.  It ISN'T.   I thought it was normal.  That was the way everyone lived.  But it isn't.  There is good, and there is love, and there is light everywhere.

    I'm not talking about living in a world of "kittens and rainbows", I'm talking about simply living in gratitude and seeing that everything and everyone has a purpose.  And that ultimately WE are responsible for what is happening to us.  It IS the choices we make. The roads we decide to take.  We are in charge of our own happiness, our health, and our attitudes.  Sure everyone slips, we have bad days, but when you start having more good days, then bad, that is when the magic starts to happen.  Slowly and surely, you start to notice the little things don't really get to you anymore.  You turn a blind eye to those living in the negative, you turn a deaf ear to those thriving on gossip and negativity.  You start to see those who are left standing in a new light and slowly, those left start to live the way you are living, a positive outlook and a survivor attitude spreads like wildfire, along with recognizing human nature and mistakes.  On purpose?  Maybe.  I believe it is just something that transforms slowly, others seeing you or someone around you letting the "bad days" slip away.  Learning to enjoy life and living gratitude.

    “It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” Anne Frank 

    Everyone has problems, everyone is going to go through their own issues.

         I cry.  I cuss.  I get upset.  But it's less and less.  There are very few instances that anger me like they used too.  Very few people who know how to push my buttons, and for the most part, I am slowly learning to let them go and not allow them to penetrate my life in the way they used to.  We are human.  It happens, but I can't reiterate enough that when it starts happening less and less, YOU ARE GETTING IT.  

    You cannot control another person.  But, you CAN influence them.  


    You can learn to start to control those tiny tinges of anger or annoyance that lead to bigger instances, or negative experiences.

    It isn't a new concept.  Buddha taught this concept.  Hindu teaches this concept.  The American Indian taught this concept.  Some of the greatest philosophers in the world have taught this concept.  It is one of the few things that are hard and easy at the same time, testing your faith and your strength, yet the rewards are incredible.

         Tomorrow I turn 35...I mean, 31 (some of you will giggle at that), but this is the first birthday that I have looked forward to in a long time. And I have no idea why, other than self reflection showing me that while I have a ways to go, I am making better and healthier choices that will keep my heart and my mind happy.  It's the first birthday that I haven't felt anxious about, or heard the "clock ticking".  I look back at the last year, and while I'm exhausted, sure, I am so happy with what I've learned and what I continue to learn, that I am excited for the next year to reveal itself on a daily basis.  There might be pain, there might be heart break, there might be happiness beyond my wildest imagination, but I will understand that there are lessons behind each and every one of those feelings. It's time to feel.  Not to say how I feel, or how I think I feel, and cover it up.  But to honestly feel what I need to feel in order to move forward emotionally.
         I've gained a few new wrinkles due to laughing so hard that I cried, and crying and frowning until I couldn't do it anymore.  I've lost a few pounds probably due to stress, but in the end, I feel good from the inside out, no longer consumed with the facetious appearance that I am presenting.  And I will continue to grow from there.  Hopefully learning what I need to learn to heal even more.

    I'm not really sure what my plans for tomorrow are, but I spent the weekend camping with some friends I've had for 20 plus years, and family.  My aunt dropped off a tent and a quilt that meant the world to me, because it was a little piece of my uncle for me to take with us.  And me and the big boys were off!  We had such a wonderful time, the children played and the adults got some much needed rest and relaxation.  As I watched the kids mingle and interact with one another, I thought of my uncles who spent a majority of their lives on the lake all summer long.  Those memories will never leave.  They will always remember the times we were all together and spent time with one another.  I thought of my aunt Jackie, and Uncle Rick... I sat on the side of the lake listening to the sounds of "our people", and even though it's hectic for the adults to pack up, unload, then do it all over again when we leave, it is important. Those moments in between are the ones that will cement themselves in to our hearts.  One day, those moments will be all we have left of one another.  I never want to take that for granted.

    “What day is it?"
    It's today," squeaked Piglet.
    My favorite day," said Pooh.”
    ― A.A. Milne

         The next few weeks will be busy. I am heading back to Seattle aka "home" for some of you who know who I truly am and how much I felt connected to Washington State, and I will update as much as possible.  I can't wait to see and smell the pier again!  Watch for more pictures than you can probably handle on the photography side of the blog.  I'm going with someone special, who invited me along, and I can't wait to take his hand and show him around!  I'm hoping to get a few moments in with the infamous "Danielle" as well if she makes it down from Oly-town!  Those of you who follow my work know that my "girls" always tend to make an appearance in my fictional work where-ever I can weave them in to a storyline...better believe I will!


    I am going to attempt to start the third book in the witch series, setting myself up for a winter of writing.  I spoke with a couple of the "characters" over the weekend about a concept, where we think the story should go, and we came up with a few plot twists we think will do the characters justice.  The next few weeks I will spend going over "Finding Stones" and "Casting Gems", deciding on new characters, the plot, and will be putting "City of the Fallen Gods" on hold.  I keep getting messages in regards to our little witches, and it is time to revive the girls once again.





    You can pick up your copy here on Amazon:

    Finding Stones by Tiffany Luv Wright and the second book in the series Casting Gems, you can find here.

    I recently pulled The Wooden Girl From Nevada.  I am fairly positive I have found an editor to help with layout and text, and want to revise it in to perfection.


    Taurean & Leo, still my favorite to write, is also available on Amazon.com.  It is a novella and perfect for a 'lil subway reading from your smart device, or Kindle.

    We were able to see the Mark Chapman Band play Friday night at the 40th Annual Ertefest in Freistatt, Missouri.  They were awesome!  I love finding new musicians to follow and listen to.  Be sure to check them out.







    Follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram @Tiffluv78 













    .Live, love.

    .Live, love.