October 29, 2012

Glass Houses

Love said to me, there is nothing that is not me. Be silent. ♥ Rumi

I wasn't really sure what I was going to blog about when I sat down this evening.  Really, it will probably just turn in to more ridiculous rambling. 

Divorce sucks.  It doesn't matter what you do to prevent a parting of the waters as far as "sides", or "friends and family" goes, someone is going to believe what they want to believe.  It doesn't matter if you make all of the right decisions, it doesn't matter if you keep some things private, and others public.  It doesn't matter what you do, really, in the long run.  I guess that is a lesson everyone needs to learn on their own. 

The thing is, is you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors.  You never, truly understand a divorce unless you are living it.  You can defend your stance until you are blue in the face, or you can try and prevent anyone from gossiping ,or judging you and your decisions.  They can suggest therapy, and who knows, you might already be going.  They can give you advice on how to fix your own problems while inadvertently avoiding their own.  They can spread gossip, defend gossip, judge you, or judge your separated spouse, but in the end the only two people, aside from the children living in the home (whos opinion might be skewed anyways) are the ones who know what truly goes on.  Loyalty is a very powerful drug, and sometimes blood isn't always thicker than water.  Maybe it's just easier to pass judgement on those we are close too?  I don't know.  All I know is that people make some crazy decisions in the name of love and desperation. 

I have faith that in the end it's all going to end up exactly where it is supposed to be.  I am okay with who I am, and my character, ethics and values are in place.  Those who know me, and are close to me understand my position and why I chose the way I did. 

Humans are funny creatures.  Ultimately, we just want to be happy.  And that isn't a horrible thing.  Sometimes forcing something that wasn't meant to be, or changed in to something negative, breeds a very unhealthy enviroment.  And you can only take so much before you break.  Everyone will eventually break.  And then they are standing in the shoes they were so quickly judging in the past.  I think it is so ironic that when we announce to the Universe how awful something is, or a judge a choice, or how another persons life should be lived...it's almost as if the Universe turns around with a smile and replies..."Oh really...".  And believe me, I am not exempt from this lesson. 

I am taking a lot of slack for posting some of my personal thoughts on what I am going through now.  But it is all honest.  And there are no details for most of my far away readers, only a general perspective.  It is simply a look inside how something like this makes me feel.  And I know there are others out there right now going through something similar, and if it helps them get through those first few months that are incredibly tough and relentless, then so be it. 

Just please pay attention.  Be careful, you might think you know and understand a situation, but in reality, you probably don't.  Love someone who needs it, see through those who are fighting to get through every single difficulty that is presenting itself.  Most of all, just be careful with your words.  Words are worse than physical actions in my opinion.  It's easy to forget a face, but it's really hard to forget cruel, and mean words.  They tend to burn a scar in to your head, but more importantly a heart.  And those scars, are not erasable. 

October 21, 2012

No Regrets

Excerpt from "The Heart Of A Soldier."
They pulled in to the parking space. Harlow was silent. Joel got out and held out his hand, when she took it, he pulled her in to his arms the same way he did the first night they danced in the tiny, jazz bar.

She looked up at him.

"Where?" she asked.

"Carson." He responded. His heart sank.

Harlow looked at him. She wasn't afraid in this moment. She made a bold decision. He was leaving for Colorado. The thought made her heart start to beat fast. This might be it. This might be the biggest mistake she ever makes with her heart. She felt desperation and anxiety creep in to her heartbeats. She felt the pace quickening at the thought of him leaving her here. This was crazy.


"Then let's make the best of it before you go." She looked at him right in his eyes. "I guess if this is all the time we have, then we should do what we want to do, right?"

Joels heart started to race. Harlow took his hand and they walked closer to the water. When they got to the beach, Harlow stopped. She turned to Joel and stood on her tip toes, until her lips met his. She kissed him softly at first. Her fingers traced the outline of his lips and she kissed him again. She moved down his neck, and he could feel her hot breath increase. He knew she knew what she was doing. And while they were both adults, they both knew this was different. It wasn't about satisfaction. It was about need. He needed her.

Joel stopped Harlow. He took her face in to his hands. He lowered his head to kiss her and right before he reached her lips he whispered "No regrets."

Harlow looked deeply in to his eyes.

"No regrets." She said softly.


My emotions are so all over the place this week. I think it's because I am stressed with absolutely no end in sight, I feel like I am suffocating.  I have a huge issue dumping any added stress to anyone I know, so I internalize until I feel like a caged tiger pacing back and forth waiting for someone to leave the gate open.  I did however break and invite the girls over for a coffee night and it was fabulous and fun.  I like who I am with them, I remember who I am, maybe that is a better way of describing it. 

I am slowly replacing the dreamer inside with the logical vixen and can feel myself shutting down. And I don't want to do that.  Trying not to do it is extremely difficult.  I am so used to shutting down my emotions and operating like a ridiculous robot that I have to re-wire, no pun intended.  I vowed a few weeks ago that since I have a few followers and more popping in from my book...well...let's say I promised someone that when I wrote, I would write with honesty.  And so I guess, here we go. 

     I am extremely blessed. I have a gratitude book that I write what I am thankful for in the present several times a week.  But this week especially I feel like the wind was knocked out of me.  Who in their right mind is going to want to spend time with someone with 4 children, a full time student with incredibley high expectations of her writing career, and 3 dogs.  Not too mention, throw in the baby body, hot temper, and deep passion that I can never seem to quench...I am a mess!  And then I got to thinking, why am I even thinking about a romance?  It's only been finished for 2 months.  And then it hit me about what I wanted to blog about tonight. 

People leave a relationship and often tend to be drawn to another individual quickly. It's not because you are used to it.  Which I think is what those on the outside seem to want to say. It is just nice to spend time with someone who is interested in you and shares the same views or passions.  I think when you spend, in my case a solid 2 years of fighting and avoiding the inevitable...you grow lonely.  You miss having another to love. You miss intimacy and passion, you miss love.  We crave it by nature.  But can it last?   Or is it just one big revoloving door of lazy and bored humans tossing their love away?  I guess that is where my next observation comes in to the picture. 

 It can't be.  I can't believe that, no matter how stressed, insecure, or upset I get.  I still believe in passionate, strong, and lasting love.  I am not a lazy lover, and I have to believe there is another out there who isn't lazy either. 

     Do people really grow apart?  I don't think so.  I think love is like a puzzle.  You tend to be drawn to someone and instead of allowing yourself to see that you might be forcing the piece to fit in to your life, we go ahead and shove that piece in the wrong spot.  And when it pops out of place is when the bad comes.  And then we get angry and blame the other person, when ultimately if we had followed our intuition in the beginning and not forced that puzzle together, eventually you could have gone separate ways and remained somewhat decent to one another.  

Haven't you ever met someone and it was easy?  And I'm not saying there are not hard times,  this isn't to be confused with really being there for someone when it's time to shelter from a storm. What I am talking about is that it is simply, and so lovely, and easy.  You are drawn to them from the inside out.  Something in the way they talk, or the way your souls fit together?  You can feel the core of them and you know they are someone you need to have in your life?  You have to.  Those people teach us to be aware of another human.  These people are the ones who teach us to be aware of how we are treating another.  These people bring out our light. 

Get comfortable, because this is going to take a while tonight. 

You know them.  It's as if you have known them your entire life, yet you still get the fun part of getting to "know" them.  I have met people like that recently. 
Six, actually in the last few months. Two females, and four males.  For those of you who know me, Cassie, is that female.  I just feel a connection.  I understand her, and she understands me, no explaining at all, ever.  She can tell me the truth without judgement or condemnation, and I get it.  So I am not just speaking of a romantic encounter.   And it's strange because I would have missed them prior to being in the situation I am in.  Paul and A, I know you will come here and read.  I feel like the two of you are the mentioned, I know we talked about this before.  Another is a fellow author, who is a dear friend now.  And the other two, well, I am not ready to talk about them in too much detail yet because, I am just so unsure of the intentions or the outcome.   In particular, these two are occupying a tiny bit of real estate in my heart.  One is slowly taking over the other because he speaks to my heart on a very deep level.  The other, I am seeing now, was a necessity.  A necesssary lesson in regret.  I might be a little excited about one in particular, because I feel like there might be an adventure unfolding.  It's nice to meet someone who understands your need for passion and love on an entirely different level than anyone else.  And it's nice to meet someone who is interested in who you are.  But, to take a step back to my un-trusting nature for a split second, we shall see. 


 I guess the entire point is, I am so insecure right now.  And I know that is normal.  It's going to take a while to find my feet and my confidence again,especially spending time thinking I was not worthy of love from someone again.  But I am trying.  I am moving on a daily basis towards the ultimate goal of replacing the negative with the positive, the hate with love.  I am trying to take each lesson as it comes.  All the while sitting at the window like a silly girl, with my hand on my cheek, and my head in the clouds. 

When I get to the part of logical vixen, someone remind me of who I truly am.  Someone who feels on a deep level, and shouldn't be afraid of the future, or of falling in love, to never give up on love.  Please remind me that I am a hopeless romantic with her head in the clouds 99% of the time, someone who believes in making wishes on stars, and believes that the world is good. 

Remind me, and remind me often.  Remind others of why you love them.  Remind others of who they are.  Sometimes we forget. 

October 19, 2012

Thank You.

I had a horrible week.  Just for the record.  I spent let's just say probably 5 out of 7 days with at least one hidden cry. 

One phone call and I had 3 people here tonight who truly love me.  And to me that is incredible. 

I felt compelled to write about these girls tonight before going to sleep because I believe gratitude is extremely important. 

There are so many important things in life.  Friendship is beautiful.  Especially when someone will drop everything to come to your rescue, no matter what the cost.  They spent hours out here with me, drinking coffee, talking about silly girl stuff, and using the "F" word as shock therapy.  Probably not lady like.  However my stomach hurts from laughing instead of anxiety, and my eyes watered from laughing so hard we were crying.  Good, clean, and sober times.  And the best part, is we are some amazingly beautiful and fun ladies.  Heartbreakers...never to be taken for granted. 

I love you all. Thanks for pulling me through the dark times. 

October 18, 2012

When you lose the one you wanted, cuz' you're takin' her for granted...

     I seem to be blogging more and more lately.  I am picking up a few more followers each week. Although I'm not quite sure, because as I told a friend this week, I am kind of a chatterbox who tends to ramble on and on.  Typical author, I suppose.  And yes, 2 or 3 blog posts in a week is a lot for me!  LOL... with the kids, the fur-babies, school and writing....I don't have much time for anything else.  

I was thinking a lot about taking people for granted today.  I was thinking of my own faults in everything that is going on.  I allow certain people to push my buttons, and then I am quickly reminded of who I am and what choices I need to be making.  Maybe years ago, I was a little bit of a hot-tempered mess.  But as the years and experiences seem to keep going, I have tried to really see my negative traits and change them for the better.  Those of you who know me, well...you know that no matter how hard I try the Blackfoot mixed with Irish temper isn't going to go anywhere with the right trigger.   The spit fire in me will probably never cease to exist, maybe only lie dormant.  But anyways...see chatterbox...ramblings.  But the point is, I am forever aware of it's existence. 

     It's too easy to take someone for granted.  To assume that just because they love you they should put up with negative, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.  If you take it for granted,  I promise you, you will look up one day and see regret.  Regret.  I know I talked about that topic last week, and I can honestly say that I really have very few regrets.  And now I am seeing how it is connected to the process of taking someone for granted. 

I really try to not take someone for granted.  I am very aware of what is coming out of my mouth, or how I am treating someone, how I approach someone, or interact with them.   and I am by far perfect, but over the years I have truly been trying to learn a more loving approach to others.  I don't understand how another human being with a heart and soul, cannot actively be aware of what they are doing or saying.  Even from a very early age we are aware of how we are making someone feel.  And then I see how listening, regret, and taking someone for granted come in together as a whole.  You have to, and I mean have to, be aware of what you are doing and saying to someone.  We as humans tend to have an over-exaggerated excuse for every disgusting and vile thing we do to one another.  We take each other for granted on a daily basis. 

     One day you will look up and it will be gone.  He will get tired of hearing you complain about the tiniest things that matter to no one just because you need a sounding board, or he will get tired of not even being able to look at another female because you are constantly so insecure you are accusing him of cheating. 
She will look at you one day when you tell her that you hate her, and that you want a divorce, or that she should feel privileged to be with you, and she will leave. She will eventually give the fear away, and trade it in for strength...no matter the cost.  Because nothing hurts more than another person pretending to be completely unaware of anothers feelings on a consistent basis. 

People very simply get tired. 

It is very easy to break a heart.  Last week I talked about how easy it is to love, and it is.  But it is so very easy to break a heart, and chip away at another persons soul.  It is as easy as it is to love them.  But you can't do it.  There must be more love

     Life is beautiful in that, if and when that happens, the Universe sends us another soul who might be as damaged as our own, and together you learn to pick up the pieces and put it all back together.   Obviously it is cracked, but at least it will hold for long enough to love again. 
     And when the Universe sends us another soul to help repair our own broken heart, they often help us remember how beautiful and unique we are.  And it's nice to remember good.  So simple, but good...works. 

     Continue to feel.  Allow yourself to stop, right before you kiss someones lips and breath them in.  Allow your self to hug your very best friends tight, when you know they are in need of it.  Sit on your childs bed and count each breath as it rises and falls from their chest.  Pull your family pet in to your lap and let them know that their life means something.   Live through your heart.  Feel emotions in the very depth of your soul.  That is what nourishes and teaches us the greatest lessons in life.  And when you are fully aware of your state of mind and how important other people are in your life you no longer take them for granted.  

"Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly."

October 17, 2012

If I Were A Boy

My how things would be so very different.  Contrary to popular belief and a little bit of temporary gossip a few weeks back, my life is actually not extravagant right now.  I spend at least 2 or 3 days a week letting the stress build up to the point where it hits me on my drive home and I end up crying the rest of the day, and when someone asks me whats wrong, through tear stained cheeks I smile and tell them nothing.    I'm not out and about, I'm not dating, I'm not having a grand time.  Or am I? 

     Not really,  I am choosing to stay happy a majority of the time and fight through the tears and the pain.  I am choosing to see the beauty in my seemingly increasing everyday blessings.  I am choosing to spend time with people who love me and understand and take the time to see the beauty. I seem to be losing the negative people, and gaining the positive.  Which is worth the tears at this point. 

The thing is, is this is hard.  You know in conversations over this separation,  I was told that I took the "easy" way out.   This by far has been the hardest decision I think I have ever had to make. It would have been easy to stay.  Easy to pretend.  Easy to lie and keep up with the fake image we were portraying.  It would have been easy to avoid the judgement and the negative comments. It would have been easy to forget who I was. 

     The tears are cleansing.  I just have a really, really hard time asking for comfort, or any kind of help.  Very few are aware of my bad days.  I've never been very good at allowing people in.  And yet those close to me, seem to know when I am in need and somehow come to my side. 

I guess the point is that I am trying.  I get up every morning with a smile on my face.  I don't let the children see me broken down.  But, today was a hard day.   Not hard because I want to go back.  Just hard.

    Don't take people for granted.  Pay attention.  Love.  Be who you need to be.  Cry, and then get back up.   This won't last forever. 

October 14, 2012

Matters of the Heart


     Another incredible person was thrust back in to my life this week. It had been almost 9 years since I had seen him.   I had missed him so, and am very grateful to have his presence back in my life.  He is a true reminder of who I am.  And that led to chatting with another one of those beautiful new people who have literally been placed in to the palm of my hand last night.  He is a singer/song writer.  An artist.  Very much a similar soul to mine.  And I know I say it every single week, but since I made the decisions I have, good things just keep happening.  I am reminded on a daily basis that miracles are so simple sometimes.  And that good, simply put, works.  Honesty, passion, love, friendship, it all goes hand in hand. 

   I was so afraid to be by myself.  I was SO AFRAID of judgement.  I was so afraid of the decision to leave the situation that we had created in fear of the unknown, and yet here I am, week after week....and I end up with these beautiful people coming in to my life.  People that are not afraid to feel.  And people who are not afraid of self discovery, or pain, or to experience life.  It's like the floodgates were opened and they just keep pouring in.  And often times, right at the very moment I start to question myself.  I had forgotten that I love, love.  I had forgotten that I am a great person who sees the world differently, yet beautifully.  I had forgotten who I was.  What an unfortunate situation if it makes you forget who you are.  And so, I changed it.  And I am not afraid anymore.  The small amount of resistance I have met was expected, so there is no pain attached to that. 

I was able to speak to a very dear friend of mine, who is attached to the publishing company I adore, and I am just forever baffled at how the Universe tends to place you in a strangers life, and transform the both of you.  Adriana if you make it over here this week, just know you are in my thoughts on a daily basis, truly and always.  Something magical is happening right now with the little trio we have.  And although we do not know the details just yet, it's certainly exciting to imagine the infinite possibilties attached to the crossing of our paths. 

I had a 3 hour Skype session with my very best girlfriend, Danielle this week.  AKA Germany for some of you on my Facebook..  And that was another gentle reminder of why I have gone through what I have gone through.  I wouldn't have her.  I wouldn't have Korea, or others who I have met throughout the last few years.  I wouldn't have the respect for our soldiers that I do.  I wouldn't have the knowledge and power of being aware of a huge existence outside of our local Mid-Western bubble.  I wouldn't have those 2 beautiful, incredible and amazing children, either.  My daughter came from this.  My one, and only daughter.  My little twin, and my tiny, spunky and spit-fire of a child came from this.  You cannot put a price on your past.  You cannot regret anything.  You learn from it.  And you teach from it. 

I am so ready for the unknown.  I am walking with complete blind faith.  I am not settling. 

If you are reading this and you are in a similar situation, don't be afraid.  Everything you let go, gets replaced with something better.  And if it doesn't, then you did not truly need it.  And I'm not only talking about people, but things, places, all things tangible and all things attached to you.   Simply put, anyways.   Clear out the negative.  Focus on the good. 
If I had the extra money, which lets face it, I don't...I would buy a silver charm bracelet and add a charm that represents all of the wonderful new people I seem to be introduced to on a weekly basis. 
I seem to be collecting people, and purging things.  And it is exciting to see where they are going to fit in to this puzzle I seem to be working on.  They have been good, honest, beautiful and real people.   I am being reminded on a daily basis that love and hope still exist.  There might not be any greater reward at the end of the day. The only thing better is sharing it with people who believe the same thing. 

October 7, 2012


It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does. 
~Peter McWilliams~

I've been thinking a lot about love in the past week or so.  The different levels we are on with one another.   The way we treat each other.  The way lust, or infatuation can lead us into relationships that are no good for us.  Or the way two people can be friends for such a long time, and then suddenly a spark between them is ignited.  Or how about a stranger?  Crossing the path of a potential soul mate?  Is it as complicated as we make it out to be?

Sometimes. Other times I suppose we tend to over-complicate it when we refuse to believe in the magic of our world and our hearts.   We come up with excuse after excuse as to why we cannot go there, or be with someone, or make a final decision. 

I am a dreamer.  But I love it.  I adore it.  Even though my logical, Aquarius rising sign, sometimes kicks in and causes me to second guess myself. Yet,  somehow I always end up with someone who ultimately kills that part of me.  Maybe because it's safer to lean towards logic? And then when it's over they realize that maybe believing in something, is worth everything.   And I realize that I cannot change the very core of who I am, which is a hopeless romantic who tries to see the beauty and amazing miracles this world has to offer us.  You can't put a price on the magic of life.  There's no amount of money or material objects that can replace the feeling of touching another person and knowing that the Universe planned on the two of you crossing paths in it's own time.  NO MATTER what the situation, friendship, family or romantic.  Sometimes the situation seems impossible, and yet it isn't.  Very few things in this world are impossibleLove is not impossible.  It is consistent.  It is strong.  And it is the best example of magic in existence. 

I read a quote last week that went along the lines of "you can either stand and stare at the line, or you can cross it."  I guess I always, eventually cross it.  Always.  And I suppose that is why I don't have very many regrets at all.  Because when you make a choice for yourself, even if it doesn't turn out, I believe it's easier to see the courage you needed to make the decision and live with it.   I recently crossed a line that I didn't even know existed, and I am thrilled with the surprise the Universe had in store for me.  To be reminded of love is such a beautiful thing.  Serendipity is a very powerful thing. 

My choices lately have been a very meticulous process.  Although some tend to disagree with that, and that is fine.  They were not here, they were not living this life.   I know what was working, and what was not.  I have to live with this.  My children have to live with this.  And that is why it was a meticulous decision.  And no matter what, someone else is always going to disagree with your decision. So really, does it matter? As long as your choice is well thought out, and belongs to you, then why should you continue to allow someone elses judgement hinder your thought process? 

Thinking back on lovelove is something you feel.  I had forgotten that.   Love isn't a habit.  Nor is it lust or infatuation.   Is love blind?  I don't think so.   I think that choosing to see something for what it is and ignoring it, or absolutely NOT seeing something are two different things.  Is love patient?  Perhaps.  Long distance relationships have proven that.  I believe love is patient if it is true, otherwise one party gets bored with the other and so on and so on.  Love grows cold when one doesn't realize we have limited time in this lifetime.  And eventually the other person grows lonely, and ends up leaving.  Either way you look at it, love is beautiful. Painful at times, and yet so very beautiful. 

We seek what we know to exist.  Even if it seems illogical, we all seek what we know exists.  And that is great love.  

I believe in it.  Maybe I had forgotten, but I believe.  And there isn't anything wrong with that.   Humans are such funny creatures, and sure there are loners, but ultimately we all are looking for close to the same thing. 

What is the difference in some?  Some of us understand it.  Some will love many in their lives, others only a handful of people. 

It is okay to love someone from you past, to be in love with someone in your present, and to be prepared to love someone in your future.  In the end, love is all that matters to the heart.  Sympathy, compassion, attraction, understanding....they are all ultimately connected to love.  ~Tiffany Luv Wright

We have very limited time here in this lifetime.   Cross the line.  Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.  Just pay attention to the clock that is ticking on the wall.  If you are unhappy, then make the choice to be happy.  It might seem scary to make that decision, but you can do it. 

Do not live in fear.  Do not live with regret.  Choose to believe that there is something so magical out there that most would question it's existence.  As long as you are not questioning it's existence, then chances are, it can, and will happen to you.  The Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing. 

A suggestion?  Try keeping a gratitude journal.  I recently bought one for myself and every night I write the things that I was grateful for in my day, and the adjacent page, I write about the things I will be grateful for.  But I use present tense, if you keep telling yourself "one day" or "in my future" then those things will ALWAYS remain in the future, just out of your grasp.  Start being grateful for your dreams coming true now. 

I love, love.  I cannot change that.  It is the very core of who I am.  I love feeling it, I love understanding it, and I love giving it.  And I am grateful every single day for the abundance of it I have at this very moment in my life. 

October 5, 2012

The Heart Of A Soldier

Sharing again, for those who may have missed it. ♥
Sharing another excerpt from "The Heart Of A Soldier", this will more than likely be the last one, as I am getting in to chapter 5. :) In too deep now! 13,989 words.
He smiled bigger at her. "Yeah, I suppose when I put in the effort I do. Little different than the uniform, or a tee-shirt and board shorts huh? So I take it you like it?" He winked at her. He was feeling playful. 

And he liked the way his flirting made her blush at times.

Harlow didn't blush this time. She finally found her cat-like courage. Before she got out of her side of the truck, she leaned over closer to him so that he could smell her, and spoke "I do." And with that she got out of the truck.

She was sexy. The comment sent a charge through Joel's body. He loved how vulnerable and yet, in control she could appear at times. She smelled incredible, and when she got close like that...it was all he could do to not pull her in to his arms. He quickly got out of the truck and locked it up. Rushing to her side and taking her hand. He smiled at her again, and squeezed her hand.

"Do you dance?" He asked her.

"I guess we will just have to see." She winked at him. He held the door open for her, and the went inside. The cool air conditioning kissed her shoulders, and it gave her the chills.

They had both already ate a small dinner. They had agreed to fore go eating, and just end up with drinks and the music. Joel led her to a quiet booth near the center of the bar. And they took a seat. Instead of sitting across her, he scooted in beside her. He wanted to be close to her. They both ordered their drinks and as they waited chatted casually.

Joel pretended to stretch and slid his arm across the back of the bench and around Harlow's shoulders. They both laughed and she scooted in a little closer to him. The waitress brought drinks and soon, they were both feeling a little less nervous and more comfortable. The music was beautiful, and Harlow finally felt completely comfortable. She turned to Joel.

"Thanks for taking me out tonight." She smiled up at him. Those green eyes would be the death of him.

"Thanks for letting me spill my beer on you, Friday." He laughed at her. The twinkle in her eyes was apparent. Was it possible for her to be feeling the same spark he was? Was it this intense for her? "So how about that dance?" Joel asked as a slower song came on. He turned and waited for her to answer.

Harlow smiled, "Sure." she responded. Joel got up out of the bench and held out his hand. Once her hand was in his, he pulled her to him close, with his strong arms. And he whisked her out on the dance floor. It made Harlow's heart skip a beat.

There were a few patrons in the bar, now. And yet, all of a sudden it felt like it was only the two of them.

Neither felt the need to speak now. Joel was so wrapped up in her, and the way she moved, that he almost felt like he couldn't breath. How could he want someone so badly? How could he be this connected to a girl, after months of the wrong ones?

His hand moved to the small of her back. And he took her other hand tightly in his. She moved in closer to him, allowing him to smother her with his body. His hands were strong and sexy. She laid her head on his chest and breathed in his scent. She had never experienced a moment this intense before. She couldn't even remember feeling this way with Jimmy. Joel's hands moved down to her waist, and when Harlow looked up at him, he moved a hand to the side of her face. He ran a finger down the side of her high cheek bone, and he sighed. He was going to kiss her. Harlow gave him an inviting, and yet devilish grin. Joel smiled back, and leaned down to kiss her. He had his other arm around her waist tightly, and he could feel her almost stop breathing just as his lips were about to touch hers. If the room had been any darker, he was sure that the bar patrons would have seen a spark between their lips. And when he kissed her, it was as if someone turned his IV on to speed drip. He wouldn't be able to get her out of his system. This was the best kind of drug, and he had never felt something so powerful.

When Harlow pulled away slowly, she felt herself gasp a little at the disconnection. She could have spent hours dancing there in his arms and letting him kiss her. Her knees were weak. She smiled an emotionally charged, love drunken smile at him. And as the corner of her lips curled in to the smile, Joel lowered his lips to hers again. It was as if she couldn't control herself. The kisses were soft, and they were hard. She wanted more. She needed to pull away, and sober up off of these drug-like kisses. These kind of kisses were the kind that people fell in love with. These were the forever kind. And that made her heart skip a beat, and made her want to run and hide at the same time. She wanted to hide from this beautiful man who was drawing her in. And yet, she couldn't pull herself away from him. He was magnetic. She wanted to take his hand and lead him to the back of the bar where no one would see, and she wanted his hands all over her body. She liked this. She restrained herself and let the kisses serve their purpose for now. Even though, she wanted so much more.

When Harlow crawled in to the truck, she surprised Joel, and slipped under his arm, right next to him. She slipped her shoes off and pulled her legs up in to the seat, resting her head on his shoulder. He could feel her breath on the side of his neck. And with each one, the electricity behind it. The ride home was somber. Neither was ready to give up the night together. But both knew they did not need to rush this. It was too special. Joel was falling in love with this beautiful creature. And she him. They needed to savor these moments. At least until he left for Colorado. When would he tell her? He sighed and pushed it out of his head for now. He just wanted to enjoy being close to her.

They arrived at Harlow's house, and Joel walked her to the door. He took her face in to his hands and kissed her softly. He was already taken with her.

October 2, 2012

"To A Great Mind, Nothing Is Little." Sherlock Holmes

No one has the right to judge you, because no one really knows
what you have been through. They might have heard the stories,
but they didn’t feel what you felt in your heart.

- Unknown

Happy Tuesday!  Wow, the second time I am blogging in 7 days? 

My week has been full of many, many exciting twists and turns.  Lots of new faces coming in my life, and lots of old faces coming or going as well.  I've spent the better part of the week really trying to put the pieces together of the last almost, well, probably 4 years.  There's been so many things that didn't make sense so many years ago, that all of a sudden own their very own "AHA" moment. 

That is special to me.  I really try not to question life, because I truly believe that eventually she reveals her plans for you in her own time.  All the while, allowing us free will to make our own choices, but her gentle nudges along the way in the very depth of our heart and souls are there.  We know what choice to make.  Sometimes we go against it, other times we follow the river.  Seemingly when we allow ourselves to follow the river, and not be afraid of what might be coming up, things tend to work out. 

I have not wanted, nor needed in weeks.  And that encompasses everything.   I have not been lonely, I have not needed food, electricity, or a roof over my head. I have not had to scramble for gas money to make it to my classes, I have not had to seek out love, nor friendship.   And I do not feel like I need to apologize for that.  I have a tremendous amount of people in my life who understand exactly why I made the decisions I have, and do not judge me.  Each day, I roll over and put my phone on the Ipod dock, turn up the music, and start my day out positive.  I do not worry about whether or not I am making the right choices because I know that I am.  I FEEL it.  And I honestly believe that when I allow myself to trust myself, then the Universe herself seems to move any obstacle I might have had to endure.  Almost effortlessly.  When I am living from my heart, and not worrying about judgement from family, friends, or my fellow human, that the worry disappears.  There is a very fine line between offering advice, and just flat out judging someone. 

I have been called selfish this week, and told that I am making a mistake.  Among other painful comments.  And it's funny, because sometimes they come from the closest to us.  And with each painful comment, it's almost as if it fueled even more strength.  The only conversation I had that bothered me the rest of the day was with a family member, and they basically do not support anything I have decided to do.  And you would think I would be used to it by now, but, I was foolish and actually believed this person would support me.  I am a GOOD mother, I am a GOOD person, I am a strong female who tries to learn from mistakes, and tries to enjoy the beautiful gift we are given.  I am kind and funny.  I am intelligent, and quirky.  I am me.  And I shouldn't have to settle for anything less than what I am putting in to a relationship.  Whether it is business, love, or simply a friendship.  Sacrificing my own happiness in order to please the other person, or to pretend everything is okay for children...that is just ignorant.  And eventually, eats away and causes it's own amount of issues.  I am not selfish because I chose to be responsible for 4 children, and leave it up to another adult to work on what they needed to work on.  I am not selfish because I am happy.  And I am very much aware that a relationship is a partnership. That it is give and take.  At what point, does the "take" begin to suffocate you?

I shouldn't have to feel bad for being, happy.  I've not been truly happy in a very, very long time.  Why is it so difficult for someone to allow another person to be happy and content with a decision they have made?

I am the one who lived the life we were living.  I am the one who endured all of the bullshit.  Just because I didn't let everyone know every detail of what was truly going on, well....that doesn't give anyone a right to assume they know what happened. 

I had a conversation with a friend of mine this week, and he was talking about regret.  And when the words came out of my mouth, it was as if it unlocked a power that had been hiding, silent in my soul. 

"I don't have very many regrets", I told him.  "Maybe I could count them on one hand."  As the words crossed my lips, they sparked something in me.  I truly don't have many regrets.  I feel like I live my life, and I really try to listen to my intuition, and sometimes I struggle, but eventually intuition wins every time over logic.  And it ALWAYS works out for the better.  I close one door, maybe even sadly and with a tear streaked face....but when I get to the next door, and I open it....the view has often times been breath-taking.  

I will live with no regrets from this point on.  I will not worry about judgement, or acceptance anymore.  And I have no intention to cause anyone pain,  but this week...I've had enough.  And now, once again...I have no regrets.  I have said what I wanted to say.  Those I love, know that I truly love them. 

Choose your actions wisely, think about the words that leave your lips, and the thoughts you try to avoid and ignore.  The brain and heart are connected.  Eventually all the logic in the world will not win over your heart.  Before you decide you know what is going on, take the trouble to ask.  Take the time to seek the truth, because often times it might surprise and enlighten you. 

In the end, the matters of the heart will out-weigh the matters of the brain.  Love is truly what drives us.  And the best part, is that I had many lessons this week.  And I embraced them in the best way I know how. 

I will live with no regrets.  And I will learn to love with out having to provide a reason.  To love, and not have to answer the question why, is so powerful.  I will not judge, nor will I assume anything until I know the truth from the source.  And I will be stronger, and yet weaker.  Maybe not weaker...but more vulnerable.   And allow more people in.   
I was asked this week why I loved someone so deeply and this seemed to fit.  The Indian proverb below seems to make more sense of that love.  When you love and there isn't really a logical reason, you just feel it, that is the most powerful kind. But when someone strikes you on all 4 of these levels, then it becomes a love that needs no explanation.  It becomes a love that you carry with you an entire lifetime if you end up with a regret.  Live with no regret.  Say what you need to say, ensure your own happiness.  Take a chance.  Don't let something slip through your fingertips and spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?".  Do not be afraid of stepping out of line.  Do something incredible.  Make your life incredible.  Who cares what people think.  In the end, you are the person who has to live in your own heart and soul, and ultimately your own head.  And you are the one who is intended to receive your lessons.  At this point, if someone is going to judge you, gossip about you, or assume they know whats going on...just smile, and let them carry on. 

This is the Indian proverb that says:

Everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, an emotional, a mental, and a spiritual.  Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room, every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person. 

Wise words to live by. 

.Live, love.

.Live, love.