September 25, 2012

There is only one time, When it is time to awaken, That time is now. Buddha

There is only one time
When it is time to awaken
That time is now.
Buddha


Thought I would start off my first blog post in over a month, right.  This is truly special for me this week.  I have had so many beginnings and endings lately, that I'm not even quite sure how to keep them straight. 

Sometimes, something unfolds right before your eyes, and you get so caught up in the passion and the mind-blowing, cataclysmic magic that you lose yourself too quickly.  Sad, though when something like that ends up coming to a close, because isn't that exactly what we as humans are looking for?  Our souls crave it like a drug.  That person, that spark, that hobby, that whatever-it-may-be "thing" that makes you feel alive.  Not physically, but literally from the inside out.  You hear their voice and it makes your heart skip a beat, the thought of never seeing them, or touching them again, is more than your body can handle.  Or it may be a job, a dream, an achievement that has all of a sudden frightened you.  And yet somehow in the midst of whatever it is you are going through, you find yourself standing on the other side asking "what the fuck just happened?".  But...and here is the most important part...YOU LIKED IT.  It was magical.  It WAS cataclysmic.  IT was everything you've searched for.  Because that is what life is.  Such a shame though, because when it's gone, it's gone.  If you choose to let it go, or run away from it, or whatever the case may be...once it's gone, it is GONE.  And then you are searching for the very thing you let slip from your fingertips.  You want it back badly, to re-live that moment or feeling, and unless you are very lucky...it's just simply, gone. 

I suppose for many, and myself alike, turning that knob on the door you haven't opened yet is nerve-wracking.  You just closed the door you were so frightened to step out of, and now there are too many doors to pick and choose from.  How do you choose the right ones?  I'll tell you, every single fucking door is a gift.  Even if it is painful it was gift.  Death, pain, love, light, the shadows before the dawn...they are all gifts.  I know I talked about the shadows and darkness a few posts ago.  Who knows when we will get another chance to feel something so powerful again?  So you know what you do?  You MAKE it powerful.  You start your day with music, you cry yourself to sleep if you have too, you read poetry, you write, you latch on to a friend who can stabilize you.  You force yourself to work past the fear.  And you MAKE each day powerful.  And in the end, you will grow and change, but the CORE of you, your soul never changes.  It only loses its shy-ness.  Your soul gains courage, and you realize the people who love you are truly never going to leave you.  They LOVE you, and everything that you were, are, and will become. 

I started writing again this week.  Since the separation, and a few weeks before, I had lost all desire to write. Taurean & Leo had put me in such a funk, that I put the "pen" down so to speak.  I started another novel, being inspired by something totally unexpected, and stopped writing that too.  "The Heart Of A Soldier" was picked back up today.  I love my characters in this story.  And was really stoked today, when the next chapter hit me like a freight train.  The story line will be EPIC.   

I know why I stop writing.  I know deep down why.  It doesn't matter if you tell me a thousand times that you write fiction, there is always....ALWAYS truth in your story.  Your characters, your feelings, the scenarios, all of it is wrapped up inside of you.  That scared the shit out of me when I realized it the first time.  A good friend of mine told me that when he read my stories, he knew me.  He could see me through them.  And I think I probably "gasped" out loud because, that couldn't be true.  I write fiction.  Make-believe.  It's all false. 

And when you are writing, you just put the words on paper.  It's the editing, and the proof-reading, when you go back over it with a fine tooth comb and realize that every tiny thought, or every minute detail was actually imperative to your own survival outside of that story.  It IS you.  And everyone who reads it, will see right through YOU. 

You just wrote what you needed.  You just wrote how you feel, or what you are searching for, and ultimately exactly what you wanted people to know.  And if you are lucky enough, some of that will bleed in to your real life.  You start believing in fairy tales, and happy endings.  Unless you are me.  Then you put the pen down and refuse to believe in such magic.  Until it draws you back in again, and again, and again. 



Taurean & Leo was difficult for me.  It was difficult, because it was filled with self discovery.  Self discovery, that I was in a very unhappy marriage that was slowly picking away at my soul, self discovery that I do...in fact...adore romance.  I crave it.  And when it's not there anymore, or I am putting out entirely too much of myself and not getting anything in return...I shut down.  It's a defense mechanism.  I am afraid.  I am afraid of the feelings that I adore so much.  I am afraid of that lover.  I am afraid that they will break my heart.  I am afraid I will find them, and yet I am afraid I won't find them.  
Because I am afraid of hurting. 
I hate to be hurting.  And yet, I love it after the pain goes away.  Because it reminds me that I am in fact alive.  The tears we cry are cleansing.  And ultimately help us to see more clearly, usually that which we do not actually want, nor need. 
Taurean & Leo was hard because that IS exactly what I want.  It is the kind of love that I seek.  And yet am afraid of.  Passionate, strong, sexual, and almost primal.  A person who needs you, literally NEEDS you, just as much as you need them.  And I am not talking about loving someone.  Love is conventional.   I am talking about passion and the longing in the very depths of your soul that tells you, you have to have that person. 

Anyways now I am just rambling. But it still felt great to get it out.  I know I say it every time, but I swear I am trying to find more time to blog.  I am a full time student with 4 children (2 teenagers), 3 dogs, a family, lots of friends, and my books....and I just get so tired. 

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @Tiffluv78, or you can find me on  Facebook. 

And I will leave you with an excerpt from "The Heart Of A Soldier".   I am really excited about this story.  I think it's going to be my best work yet.  <3 always="always" amp="amp" forever.="forever." light.="light." love="love" nbsp="nbsp" span="span">




 
THE HEART OF A SOLDIER
 
He laughed. She was funny. And that was sexy. He rose and grabbed them another drink from the cooler. He handed her her drink, and then extended his hand.

"Want to walk?" he asked.

She looked up at him with those eyes, and nodded. "Sure." she took his hand and pulled herself up. They walked slowly down towards the ...
water.

Joel mumbled under his breath "Bellisima magnifica" and he looked at Harlow and smiled.

"There you go again. One might think you were saying something bad, ya know?" she smiled at him. And she laughed.

"Oh, no. Believe me. It's not bad. Just not sure you're ready to hear it." He smiled at her.

"Well, out with it." She said, and she waited. They stopped on the beach. They were a ways from the rest of the group. And with the light of the moon, and the low waves moving along the shoreline, it would have been easy for her to fall for this stranger. But she held back. She was afraid of love.

Joel looked down at her. What he wanted to do, and what he did were two different things. He wanted to reach down and run his finger down the side of her face. He wanted to lower his lips on to hers. But he didn't. She was strong, yet delicate. He hadn't felt this rush in a long time. She calmed his body and his heart.

"It just means you are magnificent." he said softly. He blushed a little, and he was glad she couldn't tell under his skin tone.

She smiled. Her answer surprised him.

"Whatever!" she said loudly. She shook her head in disagreement.

Joel was frustrated with her response. How could she not see it? He was quite sure the men in her husbands unit had thought the exact thing he thought about her. She radiated magnificence. She was the encompassment of the female race. She was desirable.

"Well, believe it or not. To be honest, it's my thought. So I'll decide whether I am entitled to it." he winked at her again, and laughed.

They walked on. Harlow nervously changed the subject. "Tell me about your deployments. Where they hard? And since we are getting all personal, where is your wife?" she emphasized "your".

Now it was his turn.

.Live, love.

.Live, love.