August 4, 2012

Centered.

I know, I know.  I am the worlds worst daily blogger, EVER.  It's something I avoid like the plague.  And I think over the course of the last few weeks, I finally understand why.  People blog about the greats, the positives, the things they want people to see from the outside.  I started out writing fiction, and slowly, it's evolved in to a deep reflection of my soul.  Especially the latest book I wrote.  It's not even published, and I am having second thoughts about putting so much of my inner self out there.  But, I keep getting told...that is when it will break the mold.  That is the most powerful writing.  I just don't know. 
The last few weeks have been spent in deep reflection.  And I mean deep.  I've renounced my religion.  I have been asked if I were a witch.  And for the record, no, I wrote a fiction book about witches.  However, I would like to say this, would it have mattered if I had answered yes?  To those who know and love me for my unique and sometimes crazy individuality, no.  Absolutely not. 
I've learned not to judge a book by it's cover, literally and spiritually.  I've learned that everything happens for a reason.  (My sister will argue to death with me on this one) But I believe.  I believe.  Those are close to the most important words I've ever typed.  I believe in something greater.  A incredible universe who is shifting and shaping our souls with every wish we send out in to the unknown. 
Sometimes, and I see this now, you pray, you ask, you wish for whatever you are in need of.  And it comes to you.  Only there is a great obstacle in the way.  My only question, is then what?  Do you just let it go.  You asked for it?  The universe gave it to you.  And when you get it, you cower and back away in to the corner.  You are afraid of it.  And yet, you, with your entire complete self still want it right in front of your eyes.  Fear is so powerful.  It quite frankly, is what keeps each and every one of us from living the true bliss that the deities want for us.  I asked for this.  All of it. 
I have bought books on Astrology, books on Reincarnation, and books on intuition over the last few weeks.  I am search of a deeper part of myself that seems to be right at my fingertips.  And the most important lesson?  I'm not worried anymore.  Whatever will be will be, of course with my actions nudging it along the way, but it is there.  A deeper, more intense, part of me.  The part that I used to be afraid of.  The part that people don't like to truly see.  We as a race, especially the country we live in, want false.  We don't want transparent.  We want the stamped out, boring, normalcy that has been burned in to our brains, blocking any kind of third eye, or deep feelings.  It's the darker side.  But the question is, is it really the darker side?  I don't believe it is.  This poem has been in the back of my mind for weeks.  I've been so full of self doubt, and wondering why I was so different than anyone else.  I question my truest of feelings, and suppress my emotions.  And I know why. 
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
Mary Oliver, Thirst


I am on a journey, that I know is going to end up exactly where I am supposed to be.  I have changed so much over the years, and the entire time I thought it was for myself.  But in reality, it was truly to conform.  To be what people expected me to be.  

I am strong, I love deeply, and I have an amazing ability to truly feel lifes emotions.  It's time to start dipping my toe in the water.  Instead of avoiding the edge.  

Danielle & Michelle, you are so extremely important to me.  I feel like you honestly feel the emotions I feel.  And you understand me, as a woman  I will never be able to repay you for the importance of your friendship.  I love you guys.  If I had ever doubted reincarnation, I think you two are what have sealed the deal for me. 


I see how this rocky road affected my relationship with my sister, and I am grateful we have the opportunity to truly open up to one another again.  I love you. 

And to those of you reading this I haven't mentioned, you know.  I don't know how, but you do.   And it's taken me time to realize that it is beautiful.  And that is okay.  

I leave you with A Box Full Of Darkness.   And a strong sense of De Ja Vu, right now as I finish. 


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.Live, love.